It’s been five years since you left me for someone else;
for someone I never expected to cause me so much pain.
ever since that day you wanted that breakup, it has never been easy, it never has.
the first 3 months were full of sleepless nights, ugly crying myself out, and countless times of asking
myself “WHY?” what went wrong, what happened to us, and WHY HER?
I never stopped thinking about “How did we got here?” We were happy, it has not been a perfect relationship,
but we were happy; I know it, because I saw how you looked at me, like you never wanted it to end, and yet it did.
I completely understand everything now, She was always there, and you never stopped liking her even when you were with me.
People told me, “they were the first ones, you should step back..” I didn’t listen at first, not because I was afraid, but because I already
saw what was going to happen. Back then, I already knew, You don’t want to be with me anymore.
I always kept on disregarding what I already know, and just sighed, every time I see you get annoyed, get angry without any reason at all.
At first, I thought I was going to make it work, even though I felt like I was the only one fighting. Endless WHAT IFS, just to let myself
believe that You are worth fighting for. That I can still make it work. Five years has passed, and now here you are, still with the girl you left me for. I hated the fact that you both acted as if nothing ever happened. Like you’ve never cheated on me just to be with her. It’s funny coz I always see her every now and then, and yet I still feel like our past is holding me back. I already forgave you, especially her, but you know what?
I wish forgiving is the last part of moving on, unfortunately it isn’t. I don’t have feelings for you anymore, but the pain you’ve caused me is still stuck with me. I want this pain to be gone, I really do, but how do I do it? The crazy part about it is this, I always tried to move past this, and just
continue to move on with my life, but for some reason, whenever I see her, I felt insecure. That even though I am happy now with someone else,
from time to time I felt like I am not good enough for anyone. just because you broke me, Five years ago.
Ever since you cheated, I felt like I was betrayed, like my feelings didn’t even matter, as long as you are happy, you both just went with it.
Everyone tells me to just shrug it all off, and move on from all this. If only you all knew how hard it is, I am trying to, but every time I see her,
it all goes back to me. the pain, betrayal, insecurity, everything.
How I wish that she was just a normal girl, not even close to me, a stranger. But life knows how to hit me right in the face, making you fall in love with my cousin.
It has never been the same between us, we both know it, deep down, that we can’t bring back what was lost in our relationship, not only as cousins, but as close friends too. So this time I want to ask you, why her? why can’t it just be some random woman that I have nothing to do with?
WHY HER?
It has been tough for me, ever since it all happened, and up until now I feel weak; all that anger, pain and hate has brought me nothing but weight. I lost myself in the process of loving you. I lost that feeling of “being good enough”, I lost my old self, because of you, and I guess because of me too. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I do hope that my old self will come back. if not, then I will strive to be better and be good enough not for someone else, but for myself, to be the best version of me that I’ve never seen before.
I know it takes time, and honestly? I want to thank you, for breaking me, for letting me realize that you are never worth it in the first place.
Because now, I know, that if I can love you that way before, then I can love someone else greater than that someday.
I will wait for that kind of love, The love that stays, without a doubt; and it may be quiet and slow, but it is sure. I will pray for that day, when I will wear a Silk, white dress, with my hair half tied up, classic Chuck Taylor white shoes with navy blue shoe laces on it, and then I can say with sparkling eyes while looking at my Man, “Thank God we finally got here”.
