Madalas kaming magpunta sa bahay ng lola namin sa probinsya tuwing mayroong mahabang bakasyon: kadalasan tuwing mahal na araw at pasko hanggang bagong taon.
Matanda na si lola and we call her “Inang”. Mag-isa na lang s’yang nakatira sa bahay nila at paminsan-minsan binibisita s’ya ng mga anak at apo n’ya na mas malapit sa bahay n’ya.
She’s the typical Filipina grandmother: maraming gamit na tinatabi and borderline hoarder. Ayaw magtapon ng gamit kahit sira-sira na: mga kalendaryong mas matanda pa sa panganay n’yang anak, sandamakmak na basahang gula-gulanit, koleksyon ng mga plastic sando bags, plastic utensils and tissues galing sa mga fast food chains, mga laglagyan ng ice cream. Tapos ‘yung mga magaganda n’yang gamit, nakatago lang: mga tanso at pilak na kubyertos, mga mamahaling pinggan at baso, mga naggagandahang damit. Lahat nasa mga cabinet lang.
Samantalang mga baso na may crack, mga kutsara’t tinidor na may kalawang na, at mga naninilaw na pinggan at plastic bottles ang kanyang ginagamit.
Ayaw n’ya ring ginagalaw at binabago ang pwesto ng mga gamit nya. Kung saan nya inilagay, dapat nandoon lang kapag hinanap n’ya.
Kaya sa tuwing bibisita kami sa kanya, sinisikap naming panatilihin ang ayos ng bahay n’ya kapag naglilinis kami. ‘Yung mga bagay na dapat na talagang itapon, tinatapon namin nang palihim. Hindi na rin naman n’ya mapapansin ‘yung mga ganoong kaliit na pagbabago sa bahay n’ya. Ang mahalaga ay maayos at malinis ang kanyang bahay sa tuwing magpupunta kami sa kanya. Para sa kanya. Dahil nais naming maayos ang kanyang tinitirhan. Dahil mahal namin s’ya.
Kaso n’ung nagkaroon ng pandemya, halos isang taon kaming hindi nakadalaw kay Inang. Nag-antay kami ng pagkakataong makabyahe sa probinsya para makumusta namin s’ya.
Lumuwas kami ng nanay ko, ang bunsong anak ni Inang, kasama ang tatay ko ‘nung nakaraang bagong taon. Nagulat ako sa nadatnan namin: sobrang gulo ng bahay n’ya.
Makalat.
Maalikabok.
Maraming tambak.
Being the organized and germaphobe that I am, I made a plan to do a general cleaning during our two-week stay there.
Then I executed the plan.
Naglinis. Nag-ayos. Nagtapon. Naglampaso. Nag-is-is. Nagwalis. Nag-agiw. Nagpunas. Naghugas.
Napuyat.
May isang araw pa ngang hindi ako natulog para lamang matapos linisin ‘yung platera n’yang ni minsan hindi pa nalinis simula n’ung ipanganak ako.
Imagine a drawer full of lizards’ skeletons and cockroaches’ droppings. Ganoon karumi.
I did all of those things dahil mahal ko si Inang. Dahil mahal ko si mama na gusto ng maayos na tinitirhan para sa nanay n’ya.
Okay. We’re good. I don’t need a thank you.
Or so I thought.
When Inang saw the things that changed in her home, what she noticed were the displacements of the things she used to see in a certain place, not how clean and organized her home is. They were actually necessary displacements.
To save space.
To declutter.
To effectively clean stuff in her home.
I even did the barest minimum of moving things around, para masunod ‘yung gusto n’ya.
Pero nagsimula na s’yang maghanap ng mga gamit na bago pa man ako maglinis ay wala na ‘run. Kinalkal n’ya y’ung ibang basurahan para tignan kung may tinapon akong sa tingin n’ya ay hindi dapat itinapon.
She wanted me to clean, but not to put things in order. And that was impossible given how her house looked at that time.
“Sana hindi ka na lang nag-ayos”, she muttered in their province’s dialect.
Was I hurt?
Of course.
“Wala man lang kahit thank you. Tapos gan’on pa sinabi n’ya”, sumbong ko kay mama at papa.
Wait. Akala ko ba I don’t need a thank you?
Did I communicate my familial love in a way that she understood?
Maybe a yes for me?
But definitely a no for her?
I was contemplating why was I hurt even though I set myself up not to expect anything in return.
Then a memory sparked in me: I was hurt when I wasn’t chosen by the woman I loved and courted even though I told her I’m not expecting anything in return when I confessed what I was feeling towards her.
So, is it possible to love without expecting anything in return?
My answer: no.
Is it possible to love without expecting anything in return?
No
Hindi ko alam ang naranasan ng iba. But it has been a common observation for me that those who truly believe in and hold on to this idea wake up being exhausted.
Naubos. Naupos.
Naging basahan.
“Love without expecting anything in return”.
This is too idealistic.
Why?
Deep within us is a need to feel loved.
A need to be loved.
Deep within us is a longing for our love to be reciprocated.
We are creatures of expectations.
Humans evolved throughout the millenia expecting something in return for everything they do. No matter how small it is. No matter how negligible it is.
We’ve been wired to expect.
We’ve been wired to hope.
Those who believe that love shouldn’t expect anything in return don’t acknowledge this need to feel loved and thus can’t manage this need when it exhibits itself.
Acknowledging is the first step to managing.
Managing includes putting limitations and boundaries.
Kaya may mga taong nauubos, nauupos, at nagiging basahan in the process of loving someone, dahil walang limit, dahil hindi managed ang need to feel loved, dahil hindi ito in-acknowledge, dahil sobrang naniwala na hindi dapat umasa ng kahit ano kapag umibig. Nagiging martir tuloy.
Regardless if you express your love in a way that the one you adore understands or not, there should be a limit to it when we feel it’s not working anymore.
That limit or boundary changes depending on the people involved and the circumstances they’re in.
That’s self-love. And it doesn’t necessarily mean hating the other person.
Parang sinasabi mo na “I love you too much to allow you to treat me like a trash.”
Let’s stop romanticizing this idealism.
“I love you too much to allow you to treat me like a trash.”
It already caused too much unnecessary heart aches.
We could only get nearer to this idea, but could never reach it.
It’s an asymptote.
Imagine if I kept cleaning and putting her house in order the best way I know how, lalo lang s’yang maiinis at lalo lang akong mapapagod.
Don’t get me wrong. Mag-aayos at maglilinis pa rin ako kapag bumisita kami kay Inang pero it’s just the bare minimum kasi ‘yun yung hinihingi n’ya. I’m not saying to stop persevering for the one you love. I’m not saying to turn back on your commitment when things go downhill. I’m not saying to stop putting an effort immediately after realizing that things are not working anymore.
What I’m saying is: let’s acknowledge the fact that we have an inner need to feel loved which causes us to expect something from the love we are giving to others, so that we can know when enough is enough.
“So are you saying that ‘unconditional love’ doesn’t exist?”
Yes. Within the human realm, it doesn’t completely and absolutely exist.
Because if it does, hindi dapat tayo nasasaktan kapag hindi tayo pinili. Hindi dapat tayo nalulungkot kapag iniwan tayo. Hindi dapat tayo umiiyak kapag hindi tayo minahal.
“Baka naman you just don’t know the person’s love language kaya walang magandang outcome ang love mo?”
‘Yun na nga eh. Naghahanap ka ng magandang outcome kaya you are looking for the best possible way for the person you endear to feel and understand your love. You are expecting. And it isn’t selfish by itself.
Wake up and acknowledge your need to feel loved. So you can also love properly.
Because if it does, hindi dapat tayo nasasaktan kapag hindi tayo pinili. Hindi dapat tayo nalulungkot kapag iniwan tayo. Hindi dapat tayo umiiyak kapag hindi tayo minahal.
