I am sorry, but not holding on to you was the best thing that I can do to avoid hurting you while I am.
There are hidden thorns attached to every finger that I have. That’s why whenever I try to connect with you, you get wounded. I see red drops of blood. I see pain. And even if you don’t feel it, my desperate hand hurts you.
It longs for survival, not for someone. It longs for freedom, but not for a friend. It longs for healing, not for you. So if I reach your hand, I am betraying you. I won’t see you as you, but I’ll see you as an escape. And if I tolerate my monsters do that, I might cause you thousands of wound while you are not aware of it.
That is why I am sorry, if I had to avoid you.
I am sorry if I had to stop talking to you.
I am sorry if I can’t and don’t want to meet you.
I am sorry if I don’t want to look in your eyes.
And I am sorry if I had to stop being there always. I am sorry if I had to break some of my promises.
Because for now, I can’t.
It’s not that I don’t like you. It’s not that I am cutting you off. It’s not that I don’t care about your dilemma. I care and I want to be with you in your darkest days but if I push myself to do it, we’ll both get hurt.
Your wounds and my wounds would cause more pain. More tears. We are not always a perfect fit for each other. Sometimes, we have to let go of us. We have to rest from the obligation that because we used to be there for each other, we must be there as always. We get sick too. We get tired.
And I am sorry if I am intentionally stepping back whenever you step forward. I am sorry if I stop my right hand whenever it is tempted to reach yours.
I want to heal without hindering the healing of others.
It’s not easy. It’s not a happy thing to do.
But I had to take care of my wounds. I had to protect you from my thorns.
I am sorry.
But as soon as my demons are out of breath, when the poison has finally faded, and when the huge fires around me are gone, I promise, I’ll reach your hand. I’ll connect with you again.
