I know where I stand. And I know better than to hope. In you. In the possibility of us.
It’s next to never.
But as I think of these things… My heart is breaking. It goes against everything I desire. I want to hope. I want to believe that there can be an us.
But will there be?
I still vividly remember when you first came to me. You did leave an impression and I truly admired you as a person. But no.. Not romantically. And I was happy and satisfied with it. After some time, you went away but you remained as someone I really liked secretly.
Years later… I grew up, knew life, and my heart had already learned how to love and had experienced what they call a heartbreak.
Umasa. Nasaktan. Naka move on.
And I was happy that I’ve packed up from that almost relationship-if there is ever such a thing and left, no looking back.
I’m happy that I’ve learned my lesson.
I’m happy that through my pagpapakatanga, I knew of the pitfalls I should watch out for.
Then you came.
When I saw you again after all those years, I know in my heart I’ve missed you sincerely. And I strangely felt warm, like snuggling in my favorite sofa with a cup of hot chocolate on a rainy day.
But I couldn’t approach you the way I did before. I don’t know how you are changed after all those years we’ve never talked.
We exchanged pleasantries and questions and never really had the chance to catch up. It seemed ordinary enough. Nothing’s so different. Well, except for the hug.
Little did I know my heart was the never the same for you after that day. My heart kept replaying the time you initiated that brotherly hug. You never knew how much I wanted to hug you the moment you stepped out of the car. And when I was about to lose hope of ever having that chance… You came to me. And you said.. “Pa hug nga. Na miss ko talaga kayo”.L
And when my replay button plays.. I laugh at that “kayo” part, feeling a little annoyed.
That night I could not sleep. I kept telling myself, it’s a brotherly hug. You just miss him as the older brother figure you once had. And I spent days convincing myself that it meant nothing, the nervousness, the joy and jitters and all. And I slowly felt okay. My heart had been bribed and everything was settled.
But you came to me.
In ways I never expected.
Or even imagined.
Those were the golden days.
For me at least.
I got to spend time with you. Talked to you about the most random things. You included me in your life. You shared some secrets. You told me things about yourself that I found fascinating. I found out that I relate to you and understood you in many ways.
It was the time of doubts and self-warnings about unrequited love but it was also the time that I’ve made a conscious decision to let go and just love. No conditions. No expectations.
And I had always reminded myself that this is nothing special. I’m nothing special among all your friends.
I’ve loved you and you never knew.
And I was truly happy. Though at times I really struggled that I wish you know. That I wish I can tell you. That I wish you are as happy as I am. That I wish we share in this love that I have for you.
I hoped you will know. And I hoped you won’t.
I’ve been trying to let you go a lot of times. I know to myself this unrequited love must stop. This hurt will just intensify. I’m investing too much on someone that I might just lose later on and might regret about. My head tells me of these things. Repeatedly.
But darling… My heart can’t seem to let you go. I can’t let go of your smiles. I can’t let go of your eyes. I can’t let go of your voice.
It hurts me to think there will be someone else who would bask under those crinkled smiles and warm baritone voice everyday, someone who would live in the home you’ve built together as man and wife.
Must I still hurt?
I already surrendered you to God and prayed for His will.
In time, I know there will be answers.
I’ll still love you the way I do. In secret.
But if time must come God will say, let go… I would. It will hurt. But I know he’ll give me the strength and resolve to do so.
Until then, love.