February, 2018. The day na nagkasalubong tayo; you were going somewhere I cannot even remember, and I was going to a meeting. There’s nothing special on how we crossed our paths that day. Except for one thing: I hugged you for the first time. ‘Di ko rin alam kung bakit kita niyakap no’n. Siguro kasi sobrang na-miss lang talaga kita. But that hug changed everything between us.
After that scene, we began going to dinners together; we chat more often and consistently. We began to talk about stuff and about life. We began to know each other. And I cannot help but admire your personality. Marami tayong napapagkasunduan, at marami tayong natututunan sa isa’t isa. I found a flawless character in you; I found someone really committed kay God.
Before long, I saw myself getting attached to you. I saw myself missing you when you’re not around. Worst, I saw myself falling in love with you. Kahit hindi dapat. Kahit mali. Kahit walang kasiguraduhan.
Mahirap. Sobrang hirap. Dahil hindi ko alam kung aamin nga ba ako sa’yo, o hahayaan na lang kita. Marupok na kung marupok, pero gusto kita. Wala nga lang patutunguhan ang pagkagusto ko sa’yo, kasi mukha namang wala kang nararamdaman para sa akin. Too late to say na “Guard my heart,” but it’s not yet late to save myself from being broken.
In the end, I just need to let go of that illusion na magiging tayo. I need to let go of all those fun memories we shared together. I need to move on.
Pero, J, salamat. Salamat dahil minsan sa buhay ko, nariyan ka. J, I want to keep our friendship. I wish you do, too.