I was so down, heavily depressed, and downright mad at the whole world one Sunday morning when I woke up with a heavy headache around 11 am. I’m one of the youth leaders in my local church, It’s such a provoking thought to not be included in one of the most anticipated meetings. I have been waiting for it for like a month and it will only end up without me being a part of it? I got hell-bent on it until things slowly gravitated negatively towards the fact that everyone seems to be against you most especially when you couldn’t stand that even your own mom wouldn’t talk to you because she was just so disappointed at you for betraying her trust and lying to her face. Yes! I betrayed my mom, I asked for permission one Saturday night to be out for a while and visit another hurting soul from one of our youth members, but I knew I was headed in the opposite direction, I knew I was gonna lie to her, I knew it was gonna hurt her, I knew it was gonna piss her off, I knew it was gonna be another ‘hard on knee-down-plea-to God to have this foolish act changed’ kind of situation like it always has been. I knew fully for a fact what was gonna happen that night, I knew fully for an actuality that it will end up destructing me-STUPID-LITTLE-ME! I knew everything will go wrong and hurt other people but because I was selfish, Yes. I went on with my no-brainer guts to date that guy, who, by the way, has the same surname as I do. I thought, why not date? I’m hella single. He’s kinda neat. He’s also single and who knows he and I could be close friends. I have been longing for ‘GUY FRIENDS’ who could be my go-to’s when I feel down. But, NO it just did not end up the way it was supposed to be. He was not really special and he’s just not that fun to hang out with. Yeah, he’s only good for a one-time date thing. He’s the type that you wouldn’t really look forward to seeing to for your next date. So, we bailed out on each other I guess. The descriptions about the date is very self explanatory. It was not worth it. So not worth the pain that I experienced the next morning, it wasn’t worth my mom having to shun me away for that particular event. Na-ah! And I went on with my drama for the whole morning, I did not eat my lunch because I actually thought of killing myself by not eating and then just slash my slits right away (that’ll do it) I thought. Moms could not take kindly seeing their daughters so broken and miserable, So she approached me and talked to me oh-so gently and I realized one thing, my mom actually respects me not because I am of an older age now, but because she understands I am hurting and knows that I couldn’t make up the best decisions for myself at this very moment in my life, and she respects that, and she respects that I might want to go back to my old ways because I think it would gratify me. It was a total mind shift for my mom and I. It did not gratify me, it destroyed me. It was a sin, an act of Selfishness, foolishness and betrayal, I knew it was an evil-doing but I did it anyway. I did it because I was enjoying that night, I did because I felt free only that night, I did it because I was laughing during that night. (Laughing-not happy, Laughing). I changed my birthright for the most temporary thing.
I genuinely apologized to my mama. No excuses, I admitted that I was with this guy that I haven’t introduced to them yet, I told her honestly so she could help me figure out what to do after it, and that’s where it hit me, she said “I’m not ready for relationships yet,you should be ready to nurture relationships before jumping to another relationship—
Yeah, I know that jumping to another relationship from one wrong relationship will not make it right. The next question is what hit me to my core, ”—have you nurtured your relationship with Jesus Christ?” that was then I started to allow things to flow and admitted that although I have become a youth leader and a worship leader, it doesn’t mean I have my relationship with the Lord perfectly in structure. It was missing-everything was missing, confession, repentance, humility, acceptance, forgiveness, love and grace. Those were what I did not have but thought I had because of an outward Godly appearance. I appear to have this delivered image from my past, but actually I did not repent, I did not accept, I did not confess and I was not humble. That is why God humbled me,He showed me what hell could someone go through without His presence, He showed me that if I disobey Him, I would know whom and what I would be up against. And it took a humble act to acknowledge that my self decisions are self-destructing. He showed me life is never under our control but our decisions makes a heavy impact, And I thank God for He has given me another opportunity to be well, to have another reason to pick myself up, to accept things that were never for me to understand but it is for me if I trust Him on things that weren’t intended for me to figure out on my own. God showed what He is able to do, God showed me his grace and love, then I decided to set my spirit free and declare to myself to release forgiveness to the people who has caused me hurt and in return I have caused them, the small offenses, minute acts of rudeness, from the littlest hurting detail I can recall that I have toward every person I know that did those to me, I decided to forgive, Up to the biggest offenses that’s not worth mentioning they have displayed towards me, I decided to forgive.
Forgiveness is an open door to have a reconciled relationship with Jesus Christ.
As Matthew 6:14-15 says, “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
It’s an everyday acceptance and declaration until it becomes true and forget what those people did to hurt you, It’s an everyday proclamation of your life, that we will slowly enjoy our season until we see God’s miracles as an answer to our every day prayer. But, let us always stay humble and know that he is God, who gives and takes away.
For that, I have cut my hair shorter as one way to make myself feel anew with a fresh ambiance that helps me leave the negativity I’ve had with my old hair and not get it picked up where I left it anymore. This is where it HIT ME.
