My prayer is to die without a blemish of sin — to die without committing suicide.
But I know that it is unforgivable in Your sight. But You, You did not answer this kind of
prayer. You know that I am already choked by life’s struggles, making it hard for me to
breathe for another day. Thank You for listening to the smallest whisper of help. Thank
You for always reminding me that I still have something to do and for putting a desire in
my heart to search for my purpose. Because of this, I‘m here, alive. Still, You.
You know that I want to escape. That to escape means to open myself with any
accidents. That I wish there would be a truck designed to hit me by night. But You, You
did not answer this kind of prayer. Thank You for revealing every part of You to remind
me how precious I am to You. Still, You.
You know that I want to stop breathing. That my heart is swollen by throbbing and
scathing struggles. I am tired! Tired of understanding people who are there to abuse my
patience and kindness. I am too tired. But You, thank You for reminding me how You love
me unconditionally. Thank You for teaching me to be like You. Yes, I am struggling. But
You are with me along the journey I am taking in. Still, because of You.
You know that I am afraid. You know that my walls grow more because of broken
promises, white lies, pains and uncertainties. But You, thank You for reminding me that in Your
presence there is fullness of joy. Thank You for always being there for me. You always
see and know my struggles. You are always there to deliver me and walk with me through
situations that will grow my faith and help me trust You more. Still, it is You.
I have so many reasons to give up this life but thank You for giving me more
reasons to go on and live. Still, You.
“God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.” (Psalm 46:1-3)
