“Battling with inner demons”

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On some days, battling with inner demons gets tough but our life does not end there. As long as we keep fighting and breathing, we can always overcome.

Partings have always been a nightmare to me, I hate seeing people walk away and lose connection with me no matter how much I understand that it has to happen, people just come and go our lives, teaching us a lesson to complete our existence. It’s a normal phenomenon but for me taking it personally, it’s a kind of a real pain that pinches my heart and passes through the core of my being, tearing it into pieces telling me that I am hard to keep around, not worth any of their time, that I am not wanted and does not matter. Be it in a romantic relationship or even in friendship.

 

Throughout my existence, I never had the chance to socialize that much. Life’s been boring having that school-home-school-home and work-home-work-home routine. Growing up, I was afraid to be rejected and to be alone. Words of rejections are like needles pinching my entirety, disabling my will to go on and try another shot. But I do get to meet people along the way, of course, I do and to cope up with the inferiority complex that I have, though reserved, I wanted to befriend every single one of those who approaches me. I’ve had tons of people whom I entrusted my confidence, sincerity with for thinking they could reciprocate by just simply being sincere with their intentions, making me feel the acceptance and belongingness that I have ever longed to feel — but turns out that they are the same people, whom I have never expected at all, wronged and hurt me in the meanest way I could ever think of. How could I blame them? Maybe it’s true, maybe I could never be enough. Clearly, I know myself so well and know that I couldn’t keep up, I was boring, I was not necessary, I know where every relationship I had was heading to and yet, it still hurts like hell when they leave. I know it has to happen but I don’t always get it. I don’t always get why I had to be treated unfairly and be left alone once they’re done benefiting from what I could offer. I just couldn’t speak my heart out, letting them know I was hurting just as long as they stay beside me. Just as long as they don’t abandon me.

But then again, the people around me are just temporary. I shouldn’t have relied on them as temporary therapy to cure what I, myself couldn’t overcome and heal from. I should have guarded my heart and anticipated partings as an inevitable part of the journey. Maybe I should not have compromised my emotion towards anything or anyone. Maybe it isn’t this painful when these people leave. Maybe I should have shown them my mere outward being and not my inner spirit.

When there’s a void in your heart that you couldn’t fill, you tend to look for alternatives in whatever means possible to feel satisfied and rewarded and somehow loved. Being fundamentally alone all your life, you tend to cling on to the wrong persons at the wrong time for thinking temporary relationship lasts and people’s promises could give you assurances and validations.

Now take this from a woman who’ve been there, done that. Here are the realest things that I learned.

1. The kindness of your heart could not guarantee its safety in this world full of trickery.

2. Trauma is not your fault but healing is your sole responsibility. Nobody has to get you on your feet except from yourself. Be your own cheerleader, confidante and best friend.

3. Self-worth could not be found in relationships and other people’s company. You have to dig deeper in your core and find it there. It can only be found within.

4. Other people’s inability to see your worth does not decrease your value as a person. If they choose to walk away despite of all the efforts you have brought in to the table, it’s not your fault nor your responsibility to beg for them to see it. You are worthy. You are precious.

5. You are allowed to speak up for yourself. Know when to fight to settle things and when to let go and save yourself from the misery it could further cause you.

6. Guard your heart. You are God’s princess and a wonderful love story is in store for you if you trust His plan and timing. Your fate is already written in the stars.

7. Discernment is your powerful armor to spare yourself from all the heartaches and troubles. See right through someone’s intentions not based on their words and actions but based on how God is telling you so. Listen to your heart where God speaks to you in so many ways.

8. Do not settle for any less than what you truly deserve just because you are not comfortable with being alone. Just because you are afraid to be alone. The right season and the right man will prove that those high standards that you have set for yourself are nothing scary and difficult to achieve and that you are not difficult to deal with. For them, you are more than enough and worth pursuing.

9. Your emotions are valid. Cry if you must and let it all out. Only by then, you can ease the pain that’s weighing you down. It cannot be magically erased overnight but crying your heart out and acknowledging your weaknesses and mistakes lets you accept what happened and gradually forgive your own self in the process– making it more lighter to move your best foot forward, embracing to love life again and living to love again.

10. Other people’s manipulation, dishonesty, toxicity, unwillingness to settle conflicts and misunderstandings are clearly not your fault. You cannot change someone’s perspective by loving them harder. You cannot change someone who cannot see any issue with their actions. Narcissism is already a cycle that you cannot break. How they destroyed you towards other people’s mind is none of your business, let the truth speak for itself and never take revenge in your hands at all cost

so there, if you feel unwanted, unloved and unworthy right now, close your eyes, take a deep breath, beautiful. You are precious, worthy, and important. The pain that you’ve been feeling couldn’t be compared to the joy that’s coming. No one and no treasures of this world can ruin the alignment of stars and fate that God has long written for you.

Anxiety might be a tough battle to overcome with, but as long as we fight the demons in our head and knowing that God works things out for good, plans that are way beyond what our human minds can understand, my heart will be at peace to fully trust on Him as I wait patiently for time to heal all wounds while looking on better things afar off.

© 2020 Life.love.passion

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Kristine has long believed in the power of words to connect with and to revive dying souls. Her passion for storytelling has been inspired and nurtured by life's ups and downs, friends' and family's real-life stories, a gift she is paying forward by encouraging others that there's always a rainbow after every storm no matter how devastating it had been. Her topics of interests gravitate around love, life, and passion. She also advocates against mental health concerns, spreads the light of positivity towards people battling their darkest times through her literary pieces.