It’s 1:00 in the morning. I have been woken up by the thumping of my heart because I was dreaming of you. I swear, I am drenching with sweat even though it’s cold in my room.
I was dreaming of you: leaving me to go somewhere far from our country. I keep on running — running after you as you drive away. But you are not even sparing a single second to look back. So I just convinced myself that maybe you are afraid of turning into salt when you look at me as you stray further and further away from me — that you will find yourself shattering as distance takes its place between us. I swear, I heard myself scream at the top of my lungs as the pain inside my chest pierced the very core of my heart.
That’s when I woke up — leaving me with a question as I catch my breath: Why am I running after you?But it was only left unravelled. Not because I don’t know the answer. But because my heart refuses to know the truth: that you are not capable of loving me as much as I do. That you don’t want me in the first place. And what hurts the most is that my mind knows what I deserve—what my real value is—but my heart still keeps on screaming your name.
Every night, my chest keeps on thumping as my heart painstakingly misses you. But I need to swallow that pain. I need to suppress my feelings.I need to let you go. It took me days—weeks—of convincing myself with reasons why you don’t deserve me. And I merely thought I succeeded. Really—I thought I did. But the moment I went near you again, every single effort I had exerted to forget about you had just been laid into waste.
Yes, my friends keep on telling me that you don’t deserve even an ounce of what I am. That I should give a chance to those who really want me—who can provide what I deserve. I tried. Trust me, I tried. But the voices of these people sound very empty—very strange. Because my heart only recognizes yours. My heart only knows your laughter; your walk; your face; your figure, even in the dark. You are the only one that my heart screams every single day—the only one it talks about before I fall asleep.
Now, if you ever find love with anyone you will meet along your journey, I’ll just learn how to live with the pain — until my heart wears out from screaming your name. I’ll just learn how to keep up with being broken — to step into the world every single morning with the fear of breaking down when I come across something that will remind me of you. I’ll just learn how to be okay even though I am bound to shatter every single moment. I’ll learn how to live through all of it — just because my stupid heart refuses to love someone else other than you.
But I’m hoping that one day, I’ll also learn how to convince my heart to let you go. Learn how to walk these pavements without feeling any heartache with every step. Learn how to be happy without your presence near me. So I can be free from the numbing pain. Free from the deafening echoes of our past.
So I can free my heart from screaming your name.
