You’ve always been my choice.
From the very beginning,
long before you recognized my presence,
before we even became friends,
when there was nothing else that you’ve done to win my heart but just be who you truly were…
I chose you.
I chose to like you. To admire you.
To study who you are, what you like, the things that make you happy and the ones that make you sad…I delighted knowing them all.
I delighted in knowing you more.
I chose you.
I chose to make every move, to take every chance that I was given just so I could get to you.
I chose to do things that no one else would brand as bad or cheap, for the hope that you would see me too.
I chose you.
I chose to embrace the friendship that we had and every single moment we shared in it.
I chose to keep it, to make it the best one possible, to make you feel accepted and appreciated, to let you know that you always have me and always will, even though it was just a “friend” to you that I’d ever be.
I chose you.
I chose to wait, to hope that day will come when you’d feel the same towards me too.
Perhaps if I’d stay a little longer, believe in you a little more, pray for you a little harder,
God would give me you.
That He’d give this story the plot twist I’ve been waiting for.
But He didn’t.
He crushed it.
And it broke me.
Just when I thought we’re so close to getting there, He showed me that it was a wrong turn all along.
Because when I began choosing you,
that’s when I started betraying myself.
Choosing you was…
choosing to settle for less,
to compromise my standards,
to let go of His great promises,
to forget about my real worth,
to turn away from my calling,
to risk my heart that God so dearly holds.
How foolish it was for me to willingly, courageously, wholeheartedly, and mindlessly take that risk.
And I’m grateful that God didn’t let me.
So thank you,
thank you for not choosing me.
If you did, I might not have said “no”.
I’m choosing myself now.
I’m choosing to save my heart.
I’m choosing to take a turn and bid goodbye to this hope I’ve held on to for years now.
You had no idea. You don’t have to know anyway.
I’m grateful for the friendship.
I really wish it started right, if only I didn’t choose you that way…insisting my own selfish ways.
If only I allowed it to happen His way.
But I wouldn’t know how it would’ve turned out anyway.
All I know now is that I have to let go.
Even if at the end of this, even if I’d get it right,
it won’t be you anymore.
I wish someday, if not you, someone would chose me too…all because God told him to.
