Every time I would recall the days where I first laid my eyes on you, I can say that having you now is one of the bitter sweet journeys and surprises I had. There was a lot of twist and turns, pains and tears behind those smiles and “kilig” feels before we reached to where we are now. I cannot answer the question to when was the time I started praying for you but I do remember the words I constantly utter every single day in my prayer. The year I first met you and the day where you made a move to talk to me. The day I first laughed in your corny jokes and the day where I felt comfort as I opened my emotions to you. Every bit is still familiar within me.
You are my rose. My rose whom I look at and feel romance. You are my sunflower. My sunflower whom I look at and feel sunshine. You are my lavender. My lavender whom I look at and feel comfort and relaxation.
But in every joy and love I felt for you. I felt the pain I never thought I could survive. I remember those days where I lie in bed with all the whys clouded in my head. I remember those days where I would cry myself to sleep and wake up feeling numb asking for the day to just end. As I remembered the words I utter in my prayers, I also do remember the words that you said that hurt me in all the ways I thought you couldn’t.
I knew I loved you because despite all those pain and tears, I choose to love you. I knew I loved you, when I choose to survive every single day. I knew I loved you because I loved you the way the Lord wanted and taught me how to love. I knew I loved you when I choose to stay without expecting anything in return.
I was so confused. “Lord is this how love is suppose to be? Lord it hurts me. Why do you keep bringing him back in my life if he will just hurt me? If he isn’t the person meant for me, please protect me” Little did I know, the Lord still tied us together.
After days, months and years, I realized why there was pain despite of the love we shared. Love brings peace and even more comfort when you learn to be patient. In the love we shared, it opened my eyes to how love is supposed to be.
In the pain that was felt in the process, we both learned the value of growing individually first to be able to face the world together even stronger. I learned to love myself and stand for myself. I learned how to value my imperfect soul. He learned to value chances and forgiveness. He learned to make a change not just to fix things, but to fix himself. We both matured. We both accepted the imperfections of life. We both found peace in accepting those imperfections.
Before journeying together, we journeyed individually first.
I learned that love isn’t chaotic, it brings peace within you. Love brings joy and not pain. Love is those decisions behind the kilig moments. Love is staying and being contented despite the boring and busy days. I realized that love isn’t all about communication, it’s about understanding with the purpose of listening to your partner, having empathy to one another and choosing to love in amidst the draining world. Love is something that brings you the better version of you.
I knew love him because I chose to forgive him. I knew I love him because I chose to be patient for the our perfect time. I knew he loves me because this time he chooses to pursue me. I knew he loves me because he makes the effort to make sure to do it right this time.
To the Lord, I am grateful. In those times I begged for the pain to stop, those were the times where He taught me how to stand firm. And right now, the Lord brought back my yellow, and this time it’s something I know I deserve.
We both may not be perfect, but we face imperfections together and learn to fix it because we know that love is more than just an emotion. Love is a decision you constantly choose to make. We had a long journey and our journey right now is just the beginning of facing life together. Our journey now is striving for our dreams and fighting for our priorities individually but still together. We will have even more rollercoaster rides of life but just like roller coaster rides, I plan to enjoy it with you.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
And this is how I knew I love you. This is how I knew that you love me.
