As a person who grew up with lack of support and attention, I crave love in any kind of form. Maybe this is why I am so drawn to those people who showed me even the tiniest bit of affection. I am always at the state of being in denial even though the signs have been shoved in front of me. I often say that God has chosen this person for me, as a way of consoling myself. I am so blinded by the kind of love they offer not aware that I am ruining myself in the process. In relationships they say it’s a 50:50 ratio, but in my experiences they have always been an 80:20, 80 being mine. Yes, I am this person who always gives more than what I take. This will always fall under the circumstances of my trauma as a child. And the cycle goes on.
So why am I really writing this?
I had this realization since my last break up that I haven’t really given myself the love I deserved. I am so focused on other people that I have forgotten about myself. And then it finally hit me. God has been showing me the path all this time. He has been telling me that I must love myself more than others. That I shouldn’t be looking for it but instead I should be giving it to myself. That’s when I decided to finally be selfish, and choose myself this time. To finally focus on healing my inner traumas without thinking about others. To find solitude in my own space. And to provide freedom by doing the things that are good for my mental being.
If you came across this writing and is actually experiencing the same dilemma as mine, I am encouraging you. Let us all be brave so that we can finally say;
THIS TIME I AM CHOOSING ME.
And by choosing ourselves, let us wait for the right man that will show us what true definition of love is. This time we won’t rush things and let love find us. This time we will let God lead us to the man he chose for us.
