‘I’m leaving.’
I remember the night I said this. I remember the state I was in. I remember the best of us.
‘Sigurado ka?’
That was unexpected.
‘Yes.’
That was a lie.
‘Kung yan ang gusto mo.’
That was agonizing. I remember it all. I remember everything. I remember the pain. I remember feeling lost. I remember how it was like being ‘yours’. It all clouded my thoughts as tears flooded my eyes and pain ripped my heart. Suddenly, I felt the need to take back what I said. Step back a few seconds and try to fix US. Try to find what’s lost: US.
‘I don’t know. Ayaw mo na ba?’
‘Pag-usapan natin to.’
‘Let’s fix us.’
‘Sige. Salamat sa lahat.’
I said the last. Paano ba tayo humantong sa ganito? Sino nga ba ang unang bumitaw, ako ba o ikaw?
MISERY – Extreme pain or unhappiness
That doesn’t even cover how I felt. How do you escape this feeling? Right. Be numb. Pretend that everything is fine. Everything will get better soon. Soon. But not now.
‘Mahal mo pa ba ako?’
It’s been two years. Nakamove-on ka na ba? Nakamove-on na ba tayo? Or do we just feed our imaginations, hoping that the more we deny the fact that we haven’t moved on would eventually end up with – us – getting back together?
‘Oo. Pero di na gaya ng dati.’
Uh. OKAY.
‘E ano? Bakit tayo nagkikita? Bakit tayo umaasta na para bang 2 years didn’t happen, like we never broke up, like we are the same people?’
That was an overflow. The best of my emotions got through me, incapacitating me of the remaining sanity that I can hold on to.
‘Single tayo pareho. Wala namang masama dun. Wala naman tayong nasasaktan.’
Low blow.
‘E bakit hindi mo na lang ako balikan? Bakit hindi na lang tayo ulit? Kasi ako mahal pa rin kita. Ganun pa rin ako.’
Overdrive.
‘Bakit mo ako iniwan?’
Now you’re talking.
‘Kasi akala ko pipigilan mo akong umalis. Na baka pag umalis ako, maisip mong life was better with me in it. Na baka pag iniwan kita, maiisip mong ang sakit sakit pala nung nawala ako.’
Tears pricking.
‘SABI MO HINDI MO AKO IIWAN. NANGAKO KA.’
That I did. I promised him. I promised myself. I promised US. But it was just too painful to hold on when the other hand looses its grip on you.
—
—
—-
There are no words for this.
Bakit nga ba?
Napagod na ba ako?
Ang sakit sakit na kasi.
Kasalanan ko ba?
Bakit hindi mo ako pinigilan?
