All my life, I’ve mastered the art of letting go. If it’s for her good, let her go. If it’s for a better future, let it go. If you can’t do anything about it, let it go. If you don’t want to keep on fighting, let it go. If you don’t want to be hurt, let it go. For me, letting go and moving on is as easy as counting one, two, three.
I met you in a not so special way – at work. I usually call you out and give instructions as to what you should do – until we became friends. It started with a joke about food that you always give food to officemates except me. One day, you came and gave me your homemade coffee jelly *it’s delicious*.
From then on, we became close. We chatted everyday, we talked everyday, lunch if possible. We went on dates because we both love to eat. Until it came to a point we fell in love with each other.
Everything between us is so transparent that we talk about it as casual as it can be. One day, it dawned unto me. About 6 months before this happened, my 7 year relationship ended. The wedding is already set, until things happened. Supposed to only postpone the wedding, but it ended up cancelled as we broke up. Main reason of break up? Me – I was not okay.
I love you but I know that I need to fix myself and I know that you need to fix yourself as well. I told you that we need to fix things first on our own. But then letting you go hit me hard. Depression and anxiety kicked in. I distanced myself from everyone; family, friends, relatives, as in everyone. I seldomly replied to any texts, chats or calls – even from my parents; even to you. Days passed, you kept on checking on me but I was not okay with dealing with myself; I pushed you away.
Months passed, we became distant but I never stopped checking on you, asking your friends how you’re doing, what’s new.
I know I’m at fault for being afraid to love again. That I may hurt you in the long run. That I’m not the right guy for you. That I may not accept you for who you are. There are a lot of things going on in my mind at that time. All the memories of my past heartaches just came rushing in and the feeling is overwhelming. I’m sorry for not being able to stand up at that time.
It might be too late but I love you, I still do. I realized that I can’t just let you go this time. You made moving on difficult and letting go like it’s a new thing for me. So, I tried to let you know that I still love you.
But if you can’t give me another chance, I’ll understand, I’ve hurt you and let you down big time. But I won’t give up. This time, I’m going to fight for what I feel for you. Enough of letting go and moving on.
I know that you can’t guarantee me anything but I’m willing to risk it all. I’ll love you the way you should be loved because you deserve it. Not expecting anything in return from you, not expecting to love me in return. I’ll just love you no matter what, because I love you.
I love you, Apple.
