I was not born in a Christian family nor a family that strictly lives in the teaching under the Catholic religion. That’s why, on this journey towards knowing Christ much deeper, I can say that I charge this pursuit to His plans and how the Holy Spirit is working now entirely in my life.
Truly, you would really start to feel the pressure once you come out from the portals of your life being a student and face what real life is in the battlefield.
This may sound unbelievable but my goal when I was studying was to just graduate and not to engage myself to intimate relationships and thankfully, I was able to achieve this goal. However, after I graduated and started studying for the boards, I suddenly felt that there was something missing in my life and later discovered that I long for somekind of affection which I believed would be filled by someone or romantically speaking, the “knight in shinning armor”.
At that time, the dating app ‘Tinder’ was on its peak as it was the first dating app that caught the interest of many millenials. I tried the application and met a lot of men who pleased me so much. Despite the rampant change in the society and concept of dating, I still managed to hold onto my values of not entertaining ‘hook ups’ as I still believed in the ideality of fairy tales.
I’ve been crushed numerous times and even described the status of my heart not just ‘broken’ but pulvorized. To share a few of these ‘crushing’ moments, I’ve experienced being mistreated by a guy inside his office (during office hours in front of his colleagues) and even ditched by another guy for the very first date I entertained to the point that I waited 3-long hours for him to show up but then I ended up heart crushed because he didn’t show up and just sent me a text message plainly constructed with a lame excuse without any apology.
Since then, I felt that reality slapped me that fairy tales do not really happen in real life but my pursuit of looking for someone who would satisfy the affection that I’ve been longing for didn’t end there and funnily, the more I look and allow the ‘qualified’ people to come into my life, the more my heart get crushed and I can say the most outrageous (blooming) relationship I’ve been is when I started liking a married man.
During that time, I was sure that he filled the affection that I’ve been looking for and undeniably, I was also sure that he likes me too due to the attention he’s giving me. The feeling was mutual but I could discern that our (blooming) relationship which we kept in secret was very wrong and will never be right no matter how I defend it to my conscience. Yeah, ‘coz everything done in dark and in secret is not right and will never be.
Although I was happy at that time but at the back of my head, I knew I was doing something unpleasing before the eyes of the Lord and with all shame, I admit that I was already a Christian when it happened.
Because of shame, I kept our (blooming) relationship from my family and only few of my friends knew about it but later I was enlightened to share about it to my spiritual family and I never regret the decision I made after.
“Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.”
1 Corinthians 10:23
This is the verse that my leader shared to me and helped me to break free from the bait of the enemy. From there and with the help of my unceasing devotion to hear God’s message, I was able to discern that the happiness and satisfaction that I claimed to experience from a wrong person was just pure pleasure.
At first, I was afraid to let go because I was expecting ending up empty and broken for the third time but I guess, God worked mysteriously. The next day after I surrendered the ungoldly feeling, everything was gone. I felt not happy nor joyful but in peace — peace both in my mind and in my heart that I am no longer playing in the pit of sin.
Two months after, I decided to go in an encounter with Christ which made me realize a lot of things:
- There is purpose why people come into our lives. They exist to lead you to your destination.
- The Lord will break or even crush you to pieces to mold you back to your original design.
- Life is not a fairytale but a surrendered life is a tale written by God.
- Do not look for someone who would complete you because only God’s love can satisfy you. Let God lead you to the right person He destined for you — someone who will complement you.
- You may have your own standards but God’s standards is the ultimate.
- Knight in shining armor is nothing compared to a Knight armored by God (Ephesians 6:10-18).
This was just a piece of my journey with God and I hope that this testimony inspired you to continue walking with Christ even through the rough times.
