N,
I have been admiring you quietly for two years now, and I am still here. I have vivid memories of our first meeting, which was your first one, but it was the third time for me. You have no idea I was admiring you, even in those times when I didn’t even know your name yet. It was unexplainable, it was my heart, beating erratically as if I’ve known you for a long time.
Up until today, I have been asking God for answers why I have to feel this way, and why it has to be you, of all people. Someone I can’t even reach. Why does our fate keep tangling? Always making my feelings grow stronger for nothing.
I make it seem as if I don’t even have a fondness for you when you’re around, but you’ll never realize how much I prayed for you every time. In the midst of the people, I act as if you’re just one of my normal friends/acquaintances, but you’ll never know how much I admire and root for you in silence.
Although it may seem strange, you are one of the reasons why I always finish the simbang gabi, aside from my willingness and love to serve the liturgy. Christmas is the season that always brings you to my mind, because it was the season where the first time I saw you. You’re my “bibingka” in my every Christmas season.
You once told your family nickname and that has been my codename in every major subjects that I luckily passed. My silly lucky charm, lol.
How I wish you knew how I love seeing you smile, how I love your voice when you play the guitar, how I admire your brilliance. Oh if you only knew how I was low-key invested in understanding your personality. Lastly, what I admire the most is your passion and faith for God.
I admit, there are times in which I try to bargain with God, asking him to give me a chance if you’re not really meant for the priesthood. In the end, I hold fast to my principle that I will never pursue you as long as you are inside the seminary.I am sorry that I will never be brave enough to tell you and confess my feelings. Because God knows how tough my love for him to the point that I will surrender other things that I love, just to give him honor and not disrupt his plans, and what is for him.
You will always be in my heart, even if you might never felt me, I am always praying for you, even if you never looked at me the way I do, I am always somewhere, always at the back of the crowd, happily seeing you achieve your vocation and your dreams.
Merry Christmas! Just like your name, indeed I feel like God is with me, whenever you are around.
Viae nostrae transeunt iterum.
Love,
Aoi
