You Were My Illusion | Boiling Waters

My admiration to you started almost instantly.

By your kind gestures, you being the gentleman that any girl will appreciate. Plus the bonus of your handsome smile.

I barely get attracted to someone, maybe because of the standards that I set. The promise that I made to myself.

“He has to be a Christian, a godly man. That is a non-negotiable from now on.”

And then, there was you.

The Unicorn, in the flesh.

I fondly called you the Unicorn because like a little girl wondering if a unicorn is real, I was too, thinking that a godly and available man is just a myth.

When I met you, I had my first real-life encounter with a unicorn.

I know from the moment I was drawn to you, that I needed to guard my heart.

I knew what I had to do, I knew my place.

It’s been months of pushing and pulling my attraction and attachment to you.

You were the friend that I never expected to have. But in any deep conversation, at the back of my mind, I tend to wonder if friendship is all there really is.

You give encouragements, you were kind and respectful.

As I get to know you, I get curious over the idea of “opposites attract” – or at least on my end.

You’ve shown enough care that made my fragile heart wonder that maybe, this wasn’t just friendship.

You’ve given different attention that made me long for more.

On these times, the purity of my intentions were tested. Really tested.

It’s a thin line between being a blessing to someone’s life and wanting more from you.

It’s a battle that sometimes, I rise above and sometimes, I lose.

Over this journey, I realized that you were the lesson God is using for me to learn the value and appreciate the beauty in waiting.

Waiting, not upon you but upon the Lord.

Each moments when I feel the sting of inconsistencies of your actions and attention, it lead me to run to my God and say:

“Lord, the love that comes from You shouldn’t suppose to feel like this right? It shouldn’t suppose to hurt before it even begin. ”

It was a series of surrender and justification. It’s so easy to justify this time.

Now, I get to the point when I know I got tired.

I got tired on being all about you. On thinking of you. On waiting on that text that I know will never come. On wondering what do you really think of me. On feeling ignored whenever I see your face on the glimmering chat head. On feeling rejected on every seened message. Of hearing myself question if there’s something wrong with me. Tired of feeling not enough and feeling that I’m too much at the same time.

“You don’t have to force yourself to something that you deserve.” a friend honestly told me.

Then it hit me, love shouldn’t suppose to feel like this. Love as defined by His Word is patient and kind. Love shouldn’t suppose to feel like a push and pull. It should be consistent and intentional. Love is not something that I need to force myself on.

I shouldn’t feel like I’m forcing myself to you. By waiting for something more. By attempting to interpret every bit of your actions, words – or lack thereof.

I know I crossed the line when I saw myself getting too friendly, asking questions just to get to know you a bit more. Bit by bit, I saw myself straying away from God’s design, from my role as a woman who wants to honor her Maker.

It dawned on me that if this attraction leads me to doubting my self-worth and grow more impatient and controlling, if this leads me to displease God then maybe this isn’t real after all. Maybe this isn’t right and healthy anymore. Maybe this effect on me is enough to confirm that you were just my illusion.

All the slightest, denied assumptions in the deepest corner of my vulnerable heart, I must come face to face with. And surrender it back to God for him to destroy.

You were still a gentleman, in your own ways, I thank the Lord that He didn’t let me fall deeper into my emotion towards you. That somehow, He protected me, from myself and maybe from you too. Thank you for not being like any other boys who would take advantage. In some ways, you also got to protect my heart.

I will now stop hoping, waiting, assuming and expecting on you, my Unicorn. Or rather – The Unicorn. Maybe you were not my kind of real. And you were just an illusion, after all.

Thank you for being just another lesson.

And maybe who knows, that on the next person, he will be more than just a lesson, more than just a nice friend and more than an illusion.

But for now, I will press on this life and enjoy the journey and honoring God in my waiting.