My heart has been broken a couple of times; some are small cuts and bruises, others are wounds that left some scars.
Yet somehow, I still have a lot of love to pour.
It’s hard being a writer. It’s ironic not being able to grasp the right words to convey exactly what you feel. It’s frustrating to feel the bliss and wonders, yet you’re running out of adjectives and everything just feels redundant. Your passion fades, and suddenly you feel inferior, way down deep below mediocre level.
You write and write, but all it does is overstimulate you. You can’t completely engulf yourself in another dimension that writing use to take you.
Is it burn out? Is it a writer’s block? No. It’s just you. You look around and find out that your life doesn’t feel as vibrant as before.
Everything felt common. Everything felt average. Pressure builds up as your desperation for success consumes you. “I have always wanted to be the best.”
I have always wanted to achieve every single thing that crossed my mind.
I wanted to save the world and be a hero.
Deep down it felt like maybe if I get to become the best, I will be deserving of true love and I will get anything that I want.
Maybe if I get to be the best, I can control the world and everyone will bow down to me.
It’s that belief that was rooted in me; where I have this deception that I could be deserving of great things—if and only if, I become the best, the prettiest, the wisest.
But reality sucks. I’m not the best, heck, there are a bunch of better people than me.
The unique traits that I have are no far different than what others possess too.
There was no single thing that I can do, that others can’t.
So, I tried pushing myself harder.
“If I can’t be unique, I’ll just attain everything. By then, maybe I’d find it within me that I am truly therefore, special.” I thought to myself.
Yet, before I could have it all, my arms were too small everything slid off.
I found myself back to square one, and I needed to start from scratch…again.
Right now, I just feel so lost.
My hunger for validation just because I fear to be easily disregarded ended me.
I was so scared, you know? I was so scared no one would listen or pay attention to me if I won’t be the best.
I am scared to find out that I’m replaceable. Like some sort of scraps in a junk yard.
I didn’t know I was attaching my worth as a person to my dreams.
I am scared to be the place they only settle for, because they couldn’t get what they really wanted.
And when it backfired, my dream wasn’t the only one that crushed. I was in it, too. I was very much in it.
It hurts a lot because I never loved a dream this much before. That’s what made the pain worse. It really felt like it was meant for me; like a cliché destiny kind of dream, and I couldn’t see myself pursuing anything else. But due to my tearing down session, I got punched right in the face with the fact that it wasn’t for me and I had to surrender even if it wasn’t the decision that I wanted.
Needless to say, fear indeed got into me. Which is ironic, because I used to advocate against it.
I wanted to give my finest but it turned out that even my best wasn’t enough for me to end up with my dream. I always speak about not having to be the best or extravagant all the time—yet being here in the melancholy of mediocrity is insufferable.
I remember walking down the aisle of our laboratory building, I was damping my face with my lab coat. I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. Trying out any other courses didn’t feel right in my sleeves. Everything else felt mundane. This is what I wanted, I don’t understand? It’s the only thing I am finally sure of. As an indecisive person, being certain of something at last after all the confusions meant so much deeper. But with it comes an unbearable grief that I carry within my heart no matter how many years have passed.
I told myself, that letting go is always the best option. But maybe, just for once, holding on to something that you would really bleed yourself for— is heroic. Except, that I’m a coward and all I knew all my life is to let go when things get rough. To run away before you get abandoned, to choose to leave than to be the one left behind.
I wanted to be the best, I couldn’t shine with my dream because it required huge sacrifices —mainly time as it occupied spaces for passion that wasn’t reserved for it in the first place.
I dreamt big but when it required big efforts, I wasn’t ready. Yet, every decision has its own consequences.
Very unlikely with tv shows, I gave up. The world stopped and zoomed around my frozen face. There was a three second of silence before my background music echoed.
Along with the consequences, is one problem that a lot of gamers hate. Going back to level one.
Bitterly, I promised myself to never look back again. I wanted to bury that dream together with all the people and places I built it with.
Although, my heart never stopped beating for it. I found myself constantly slipping back to my occasional what-ifs. Still, I continued to go on separate paths yet somehow, every little thing reminds me of it. Redox, electrons, chemistry, physics, you name it. Heck, when I found out I was getting a perfect score-streak for Biochemistry it felt like my heart shattered slowly as I know it was the last thing that’s keeping me connected to that course and it just sparked my foolish feelings of being destined for ‘that’ dream.
It’s one thing to break up with a person, but quite another to actually break up with your dreams.
If this resonates with you, you can share your pain with me. Don’t let other people tell you that your hurt is relatively small. Let yourself feel BIG emotions, that’s only because you have a big heart!
We can’t be the best all the time. And that’s okay. Our worth is not dependent on our failures and incapabilities.
Our worth never lessens, not even during our worst.
We are deserving of great things, even if we don’t feel like we’re great people. Most of the time, we just have to give ourselves credit and deeper appreciation. Especially with our small wins.
We don’t have to be the best to feel that we’re good enough to be loved.
Let’s admit it, you can be the best all you want yet it never guarantees that you won’t be abandoned.
We are loved and we love, not because we deserve it. It’s because of who we are.
