There was a time wherein I’d eat a lot cause I got nothing to do. Who could blame me? I was bored. I had no one to talk with. There was also a time wherein I would not eat a bit because I don’t have the appetite. Chewing even my favorite viand would become bitter, if unlucky, tasteless. Missing you made me lose it. I couldn’t think straight.
It was hard having no one to talk with sometimes. My friends are there but they can’t be by my side all the time. They have their own problems… let alone their own life. Sharing is an action that made me plant a huge hesitation in my will. Sometimes, i felt like they’re already fed up with me knocking on their hearts asking pieces of advice. Sometimes, they wouldn’t listen anymore. So, most of the time, I just want to keep things private. It was hard having no one to talk with… it was hard handling this alone wherein it should be the both of us facing this problem.
Sometimes I am stuck between being a nice girl or a rebellious girl. I am tempted to drink everything out. If I do, I’d temporarily forget about you, but if I am not lucky, I am a crying drunk girl spouting stuff about you… about us… about how everything’s too much. Barely bearable… almost Unbearable…
But I also know it would not solve anything but postpone my pain… my truth.
So sometimes, I’d read books. The sort of books that will give you “kilig factor.” The romcom type of YA novel. Or sometimes I’d watch movies… same genre. I’d watch dramas but refrain from it afterwards. It would let me have butterflies but teardrops are falling at the same time. You know, missing you and stuff. So I decided that I’d sink myself into goofy comedies that will make me feel light and young.
But it would still not help me.
The hardest part for me was being unable to sleep. At times, I’d cry. At times I wouldn’t. If I would not cry, that’s the time it will be harder for me to sleep. Everything’s just caged inside my ribs. The lump in my throat forms. But I couldn’t cry. It was too heavy that I’d probably cry nonstop or burst into tears so hard the people in my house could hear me and I don’t want that. I don’t want them to have a bad impression with you. Funny, that I was still protecting your name from them. Well, it was because I’m still hoping everything will be fine and that everything will turn back to the way it was. Technically, everything did turn back to the way it was, but it wasn’t on our good old times.
It turned back way before the time you came to my life. Just a sadder version.
It felt like I was carrying all the pain, well of course this is exaggerated nonetheless, it was still painful. The pain from being left out of love. It was hard to sleep… Knowing it’s you whom I’ll think about before, during and after my rest. It was so hard that I’d wake up every hour, thinking how long the night is even if it’s summertime. I’d wake up feeling uncomfortable… not feeling the contentment with how the things work.
You had been a big part of me already. All those sleepless nights, laying by your side… cuddling and being in love… Your phone calls and the messages we shared…I’m just not the type of girl who would easily throw things out. I couldn’t
delete them. It was hard. Deleting them is like throwing away memories and accepting the fact of how we are falling apart. You were the one I dreamed of. You were the one I saw my future with. But that picture frame fell and the picture was torn in half by all those shattered glasses. Your promises… your words… your actions shattered my heart to pieces and it made its way to my perception of our future together…
Like how the picture of us was torn… we fell apart. And it was harder to recover.
You were the guy I pictured everything with. And it’s hard to accept that everything turned into nothing. Nothing more, nothing less than strangers. We were the “almost” but suddenly turned gone.
I’m becoming worse. I did like and love you so much that your absence is killing me. Your absence that is of presence to others. It kills me knowing you are ignoring me. And even though I love you, I couldn’t take it anymore. Everything’s just too much that the only thing I had in mind was to fix this by leaving. It would be better if we’re both deciding but you left me out all alone. It was later that I realized I was really alone in this relationship but it’s better than not realizing at all… like how you did not realize my love and sincerity for you. I entered this relationship believing you love me and will keep on loving me. But I was left alone loving you, with no assurance from your love anymore. I was left hurting… thinking… and I’ve decided this is not how a relationship should be.
If you couldn’t love me then tell me. It’s better than expecting for something in the background when you knew all along that this relationship would not work anymore.
But it’s too late telling me you love me or not because you didn’t even bother how I felt all this time. It’s too late because I have already made a decision and that is…
And to stop is the only thing that is not yet too late.