I’ll be turning 23 in a few months and I’ve spent the past decade being angry deep within myself. I know myself and I’m pretty sure I am not the vengeful type. I am a forgiver.
I was young when it began, I think I was 12 years old and I didn’t knew anger very well, that is why I did not recognized it when I was face to face with it. I did not recognize it when it started walking with me.
Years passed and I met anger’s partner, hatred. I tried to shrug it off because I was taught at an early age that hatred is a horrible emotion and feeling so I preferred disliking things.
More years passed, I graduated college and anger came out of my heart like a tiger jumping out of the bushes for its prey, I was in disbelief for I didn’t knew it had built a home in me for years that it had aged also. It had grown stronger as I’ve grown wiser through the years.
I had suddenly have come to a realization that anger had entered my life several years ago that it gotten familiar, too familiar with me that it built a home in my heart with walls so great that I cannot destroy.
Another year passed after acknowledging anger’s long term stay in me that all hell has broken lose and I tell you, it was the lowest I could get.
I have desecrated myself in ways I would not ever if anger had only rented a room and eventually went away.
It was like anger owned me… Instead of me owning the anger.
I have yet again started to hurt myself on a daily basis and started heavy with my vices thinking that if I destroy myself, I’ll destroy anger itself.
But I was wrong.
The journey became so long and there are no words for me to tell you and I am sure you understand what anger is if you are reading this. I had almost taken my own life on this journey with anger. I went to counselors which helped, encouraged me to take the right direction but as they said,
… At the end of the day, no matter how much advises and pretty words people tell me, it was me who’s going make the decision.
Days after, I had placed my game face on and cried as hard as I can. I could remember myself crying in a PUV, summing up the courage to confront one of the major sources of my anger.
I let my heart spill everything and let it flow like a waterfall and I said exactly how I felt for the past several years. I have also admitted to myself and to loved ones that I had hurt myself for so long that I have gotten used to it, told them my vices and the fact that I needed my help and wasn’t happy any more.
That day, I felt anger slammed the door so hard in my chest that the debris of it have fallen from my heart. I knew it’d kept the key but it felt like anger had just got defeated.
In the end I have chose to believe that anger cannot be fought with more anger or just what Taylor Swift said that band aids don’t fix bullet holes. Anger feeds on denial, bad memories, vengeance, bad blood, denied desires and so on. They can’t be drowned with more anger, hatred, drugs or cigarettes.
After all of these, I have gone to stab anger on its back and introduced it to the people I love not to destroy their lives but to make them be aware of it. That they be familiar with its face when they see it so it won’t be able to build homes in their hearts too, as you might realize, it’s very stubborn and hard to get rid off. The only thing that should be building homes in our hearts are the people we love, our hopes, our dreams and everything that makes us feel alive.
Call me a love eyed lunatic but I am true and firm believer that love and time heals all wounds… Now, don’t give me that face, I’m not pertaining to romantic love silly. I’m pretty sure someone loves you in your corner.
I hope you realize how much anger can compromise your quality of living, your quality of happiness and quality of time spent on this Earth.
And just a note, yes anger can help you get over things but think again, at what cost?
It’s okay to be angry, it’s human and nobody can take that away from you but mind you what you let stay. Anger was and always should not ever be a long term emotion, it corrupts the heart of a good person.
Hoping you have good life and recognize the things you need to recognize, and I wouldn’t be as liberated as I am now from my horrible past if it weren’t for people who cared for me too. That is why I’ll leave you with this quote
“Help will always be given to those who want it.”
With love,
your fellow human.
