All my life, I have never thought that I would fall in love with a girl.
I have asked myself several times because I did find some girls throughout my life that I felt great admiration towards.
But if I’d ever consider having a relationship with a fellow woman, I always end up with the same solid answer,
”Hell no.”
No matter how many times I think about it, it was always a hard no.
I was so sure about my sexuality.
And then you came.
You are very open about you being bisexual and often tease me about missing a lot for being straight including the chance of having you as a girlfriend.
I always answer you with a firm:
”Awww. Too bad, I’m straight. Sucks for you too.”
And then we’d laugh it off and move on.
We would always tease each other with cheesy messages and even call each other pet names like “love” or “babe” just to test which one of us will actually give in first.
To my surprise, I was the one who did.
All the teasing suddenly felt real to me.
Eventually, when I try to tease you and tell you I miss you or that I love you, it became my genuine feelings.
For the first time in the 23 years of my existence, when I asked myself if I am willing to have a relationship with a fellow woman, with you to be exact, my answer suddenly became yes.
Of course the first thing I did was to confront you about it.
Sadly, you didn’t believe me and you kept on insisting that what I like is the attention and affection you are giving me and not you exactly.
You think that I’m just using you as a distraction seeing that I just came from a recent heartbreak not too long ago.
You also said that you are not yet ready to commit so even if I do like you as you, you wouldn’t be able to give me the relationship I wanted to have.
I respected that and talked to my close friends about it to ask for their advice.
To be completely honest, they think that I’m clinging onto you because you’re the one who’s here right now.
You’re the convenient choice.
They also told me that I’m only setting myself up for more heartbreaks clinging onto you because you’re still open to other people while I already have my focus solely on you.
They told me to stop.
Honestly, I almost did.
I almost believed what they’ve been telling me.
I almost believed what YOU’ve been telling me.
But I thought about our weekends together.
I’d sleepover at your house and we’d cuddle each other to sleep.
I’d kiss your cheeks and your hair while you’re sleeping against me. (in which apparently you’re not as asleep as I thought you were because you knew and you told me that you felt happy whenever I do it)
You’d move around while sleeping to find the best position to hug me and hold my hand at the same time.
You’d spoon feed me whenever I’m too busy ranking up on my phone while we’re eating.
You’d order our food while I hug you from behind along the long lines of fast food chains.
You’d take my hand and lead the way while walking.
You’d intertwine our arms and fingers while seated on the narrow spaces of public transport.
You’d give me hugs and cover me up when I feel cold.
We’d watch movies and series leaning next to each other.
Thinking about all these, I don’t want them to just be our weekends.
I want them to be our everyday.
Not just my everyday, but ours.
I actually tried to think about doing the exact same things with another person.
Because maybe you’re right.
Maybe it’s the deeds that made me fall as you said.
You know what?
I ended up tightening my hug on my pillow that reminded me of you.
I almost cried as I kept on repeating to myself,
”Love, ayoko.” [Love, I don’t want to.]
Surprisingly, I don’t want to do those things with another person.
I want it to be with you.
It made me realize that given other options, I would still choose you.
It’s not the deeds that I want anymore.
It’s you.
Even if we’re not doing anything, as long as you’re the one I have by my side, I’ll be fine.
If you’re not yet ready to commit, I’m willing to wait.
If you’re not sure about my feelings, I’m willing to prove them to you until you believe it.
If you’re not sure about your feelings, I’ll give you time to figure it out.
Until then, I’m just here.
I will continue loving you until you’re the one to tell me to stop.
Actually, you know what?
Maybe not even then.
