To the one who left and still takes my heart,
I met you almost three years ago in school, and we were classmates. We both came from a toxic/cheated-on relationship and met each other’s path. I admire you for being nice and smart, ikaw yung lalaking may pangarap sa buhay, at matino. I firstly admit to you that I like you. I was very thankful na hindi ka lumayo kahit ang daming nanunukso sa atin, and we’ve also become friends. Lagi tayo nag-uusap, exchanging of ‘Good morning’ and ‘Good night’, and being open book to each other really made me so happy. 2 months after, you also admitted that we both feel the same way. Ayan, super happy na naman ng lola niyo haha. Ang sarap pala na after a toxic relationship, someone will make you feel that everything just feels so right. Yung kagigising mo pa lang, pero nakangiti ka na agad for knowing na may message sya agad sa’yo. Pero wait lang ha, opo wala pa kaming label. Nanliligaw? Hindi po, masaya lang awts. Pero okay lang yun. Gustuhin ko man klaruhin, ayokong isipin nya na minamadali ko siya, or yun lang ang goal ko sa kung ano mang meron kami. Masaya na ako na mutual ang feelings namin.
Nagbakasyon. Since we both share same circle of friends, nagkikita pa rin kami. But after ng birthday ko, parang ang tamlay, parang hindi na masigla. Bakit kaya? May nagawa ba ako? May nasabi ba akong mali? Ilang araw ko na rin napapansin. Itanong ko kaya? — Huwag na lang, baka busy lang talaga at masabihan pa akong masyadong clingy. Pero darating talaga tayo sa point na pagod kana umintindi at gusto na natin ng kasagutan sa mga tanong natin. Kaya tinanong ko sya kung bakit. Wala lang naman daw, pagod lang sa bahay. Tinanggap ko nalang ang sagot niya, kahit alam kong hindi talaga iyon ang dahilan. Pero nakakapagod na talaga. Para akong nakikipaglokohan sa sarili ko na okay lang ang lahat kahit ang totoo’y hindi. At last, nasabi mo rin, “Gusto ko muna magfocus sa mga importanteng bagay, kaibigan, pamilya, kay God. Study first muna”. Ang sakit naman. Pero hindi ba ito naman yung gusto ko marinig? Kung ano yung totoo? Pero syang tunay nga naman talaga na ‘truth hurts’. “Dito ka lang ha, bawal mawala” kasi ikaw pala yung mawawala hahaha. I never been treated so right, kaya pala sobrang saya, at sobrang sakit din. I promised myself not to beg again just to be loved. Pero iba ka eh, I can’t really afford to lose you. Even right now. Even I know na you are already happy with someone else, privately. Kahit minsan, it cause me to question my worth. Bakit dati, ayaw mo mag commit? Are you not really ready that time or ayaw mo lang talaga? But I realized that maybe, you really want to commit in a relationship, but not with me. That maybe “whom we chase, is not really ours to hold.” I just want you to know that it really hurts. But, I am somehow happy that you finally committed, even though it’s not me. But, with someone else.
Love,
The lady who wants to let go
