About two years ago, I made a conscious decision to close my heart to romance. The countless rejections and heartbreaks I had experienced in the past had turned my once soft and marupok heart into something akin to a block of ice. I became numb and incapable of feeling love or attraction towards anyone. Although I may have had a few small crushes here and there, they were not significant enough to pay any attention to.
I didn’t know when I’d be able to feel love again. For me who has loved his entire life, it was definitely a strange feeling. Love has been a motivation for me for as long as I could remember. Even when I was still a kid, love has helped me through my endeavors. Love has kept me going no matter if it was a small crush or if I was 6 feet deep into being in love. Love molded me to what I have become.
Last month, everything changed when I discovered that my heart had started to beat for someone once again. I didn’t know that while I was talking and spending time with this person, they were gradually breaking down the walls I had built around my heart. This truly made me believe that love comes when we least expect it.
I wasn’t actively seeking love or anything like that, it just happened. I was simply spending time with my friends, playing video games online. She happened to be there and we started playing together. At first, I didn’t think much of it, to be honest. I was just playing games with her and my friends like I always did. However, as time passed, I realized that maybe it wasn’t just a casual thing.
Over time, I started to long for her presence. Before, I just wanted to play with her more. Gradually those feelings started to evolve. Gaming sessions started to feel less fun when she was not around. I have nothing against my friends, but something was just really missing without her. When she was around, it was just more colorful and magical.
I couldn’t express how incredible it feels to have her around. Her mere presence brings me an unparalleled sense of peace that I have not experienced before. Whenever she laughs, it has the power to cure my negative thoughts and calm my mess of a life. Her laughter is like music to my ears, and it fills my heart with joy and happiness.
I have come to see her as many different things in my life.
The Nebulizer for my Asthma.
The Cetirizine for my Allergies.
The Genshin to my Impact.
The Lethal to my Company.
Different things but one meaning. She is someone that makes me feel complete. She eases the things that burden me. She makes me feel that life is worth living. She becomes the answer to all my hows, whys, buts, and ifs. She makes me feel like a better person and I think love is at its best when it pushes people to grow and be better.
But after all that has happened to me, my heart has become cautious. My heart has started to guard itself. I love her and that’s for sure, but I also have come to love myself. It’s still a one-sided love so I’m still testing the waters. I don’t want to lose myself in the process again.
Losing yourself while chasing someone with no certainty is one of the most painful things one can experience. It can feel dehumanizing and degrading to pick up the pieces of yourself after such an experience. I hope to never feel that way again.
Despite taking all precautions, I remain optimistic. I believe it’s okay to have hope, but one should refrain from expecting anything in return. Expectations can result in a lot of hurt. So, it’s better to remain hopeful but not expect.
I love her more than anyone else I’ve ever loved in my life, and I’m willing to give her my best. She brings me a happiness that I have never felt with anyone else. It took me my whole life to find someone like her, and I am grateful to have her in my life. I will do my best to earn her love, but I won’t compromise my own self-worth in the process.
