I cannot pursue you

Even though you said you’re done with her I still envy her and have this feeling that you are still into her. I don’t know if this is just my overthinking skills that provoke pain or if I should be grateful that I view things this way least I’m not being naive or fooled even though you perhaps express things implicitly. One morning, I just woke up visiting your walls and realize all the songs you shared that you mentioned to me were actually not for me, but it is the words you cannot tell her, it is the thoughts you left hanging because you both did not have closure. From, Muli by ace banzuelo, the ones we once loved and leaves by ben and ben, teenage dream by Katy Perry, bakit nga ba mahal kita by GG, how could I picture myself in those songs when I knew that I was never your lover, (sad smile) You’re a fan of GGD, and the fact that she’s a really talented and pretty woman, I have this feeling that her name reminds you of your ex-lover. I have this instinct that every comment you post on her photo is meant for your ex. Yeah, I’m such a psycho to think this way, but you can’t blame me cos I know how in love, you are with her and how your eyes glimmer when you talk about her and look at her. I may be a fool, but not naive enough to not notice that. After all, I’ve been secretly admiring you from afar, but not enough to notice me. I know that I should not feel this way and I cannot pursue the fact that despite what relationship we had over the years, definitely you don’t feel the same way as I am and do not see me as much as I want you to be. Every day and night you filled spaces in my head, I cannot help but remember your face, voice, and touch, and thinking reasons just to see you, but you seemed to avoid me and to think that you’re not that interested in seeing me as I am. You’re the missing piece and I’m the puzzle, you complete me by simply standing next to me. I felt so pathetic in this one-sided love that I kept for almost 5 years. I even barely remember how this started and why it has to be you. Why? Is fate really that cruel to me? A good friend who was treated as the own daughter of my mother, others see as siblings for God’s sake because we’re inseparable. How can I win in these conditions when I knew from the start that this is so wrong? Do you remember how I fell to your shoulder when I fell asleep in your car and how you held my head protecting it not to move while we were on the bumpy road made my heart melt and silently wish that we could just be inside that car and travel with no destination so I can lay longer in your shoulder where I felt so safe and calm. How can something so wrong feel so right all along? Please don’t give me motives, don’t make me read confusions in those eyes of yours, in those gestures cos it drives me insane. How can I stay sane when you give me mixed signals or maybe I am just assuming and presuming things just how I wanted them to be? Please lord, remove this feeling for I cannot keep this any longer. I accept the fact there will no chapter of us in this life story. And I cannot pursue you if it means turning back to everything and everyone and even my promise to myself. I want my heart peace.