Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Boiling Waters PH.
At a certain point in our life, we unexpectedly come across someone who changes everything and twist our self-known reality — in a good way. Mine came in a black cardigan and a ponytail.
It was a rough time for me because I was in the middle of a heartbreak that was causing me to make a huge shift in my life. I have built rules and defenses to not let anyone in. And then, the day came when I first laid my eyes on you. You appeared very attractive to me. We started in the most inappropriate way and time there was. My mind knows it was a crazy idea, but then again, I persisted what my heart did insist. We played the game. Yes, I broke my rules for you for two reasons: (1) I have nothing to lose anymore; (2) I wanted to prove I can play better than a player I thought you were.
Time went by, as cliche as it sounds, when I was getting to know you, things slowly changed. I heard your story and the way I looked at you changed. At a closer view, you are just a great person in a bad situation. I started caring for you for real. Everytime you open up to me, I felt the urge to take care of you. But I refused to admit it, thinking that if I’d lose the bet, everything will be over. So, I continued the game to remain close. I started liking you. I saw some traits of you that I’ve never appreciated before, like how cute you look around kids. I started to feel that sunsets are not that sad anymore. You made me want to believe in happily ever after again. I wrote you long letters filled with love and promises. You were my muse.
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Months have passed and like any other stories, the sunshine slowly faded and rain started to fall. I just wanted to let you see that you deserved better, and I felt you were doing the same for me. But commitment was not my strong suit, i strongly suffer from the fear of intimacy. Despite of liking you so much, because of that fear, I became inconsistent. We then discovered that as much as we have a lot of things in common, there also lies many differences. These were the times when I was such a pain in the ass. But believe me, I loved you with all the ways I knew how, though I wished I knew better. And though, I may not have always understand you, I always choose to stay.
Then everything went on, the differences grew bigger, arguments became deeper, there was fight after every fight. Unknowingly, we destroyed each other while trying to save one another. We always managed to press each other’s wrong buttons. I complained a lot about your issues as much as you do with mine. And none of them were untrue; I have a lot of issues that I projected on you. I was just causing you pain. I was falling short from the person I promised you I will become. There was nothing worth falling in love with me. I know I did not turn out to be someone you have been dreaming of, because deep down, I’m also far from the person I wish to be. I barely have nothing but future visions with you in it.
I remember that dawn on December, I was waiting for you to wake up, and while I was looking at you while you’re sleeping, I thought to myself that I want to live longer because I want to spend longer time with you. And from there, I was sure I will never seek for anyone else but you.
But I am really bad at expressing. Instead of saying what I truly feel about you, I say mean things that I don’t really mean. This maybe a contrary to what I usually say to you when you’re around but you are one of the most amazing people I have met. And because of that, I will never make you stay. Not because I don’t want you to but because as of now, I still don’t deserve you. This is the reason I took a step back. To my best knowledge, you have been through a lot of mess that you didn’t deserve and I don’t want to become one of those. I don’t want to become another failure in your life. I don’t want to become one of the failed relationships that scarred your heart. But despite of working hard, I know I am still not yet capable of that. I had to admit that I cannot love you properly. And you don’t deserve that. Though I always want to be in control, this time I want to believe in faith and destiny because you really can’t rush something you want to last forever.
I want to be right for you in all ways. Because true love is not found; it is built. So, from here, this is my start over to rebuild my life. I want to be better. Not just for me. But also, for you. Because I wanna be the kind of love that fulfills promises. The kind of love that doesn’t hurt. The kind of love that you deserve.
You are my home. Nothing has changed about that. There’s no day that I wished I was good enough. But right now, the best thing to do is to let you explore the world while I also build you a home in me, hoping that you will eventually find your way back. And when someday, you decided to take a risk for me, I promise, I will be worth it. Please know that I always pray for you. I always talk to God about you. I always ask Him to transform me into someone strong enough to take care of you. And though, you are one of heaven’s not-yets for me, someday, I will make you happy. But if not, I will wish you happiness.