I talked to my dad about her and how things went south during our hike (I was too passive despite all the planning and preparation because I froze when it mattered. Imagine nearly 12 hours of awkward silence–a 4-hour drive, a 3-hour hike, and another 5-hour drive–superficial small talks and stilted conversations. I fear she might have regretted coming with me to that hike in the first place kasi baka ang iniisip niya hindi ako marunong makipag-usap and because I don’t know the right words to say, because I’m not leading the conversation) and also how bad I really felt after (so full of regret in hindsight at the things that we could have talked about and how much better I could have responded to the things that she said, baka na-turn off siya, baka ayaw na niyang makipagkita sa akin ulit. Ba’t ko sinayang yung pagkakataon? 12 oras. 12 oras kaming magkasama. Bakit?).
And this is what my dad said–
“Para sa akin, simple lang naman ang problema mo. Communication lang. Isang taon na pala kayong magkakilala, ilang buwan na yung pacha-chat niyo, so parang may na-build up ka na, right up to that point. Kung ang worries mo ay bad impression dahil sa mahinang communication skills, ang suggestion ko, puntahan mo kaagad dun, balikan mo, magkano lang naman ang plane ticket, treat mo lang as vacation expenses, hanapan mo ng panahon–weekend ba o pagkatapos ng klase niya (she’s in medical school btw)–sorpresahin mo, dagdag effect din yun, kahit merienda lang o kumain lang kayong saglit, di niyo na kelangan yung mag-hike kayo, wag mo na ring isipin kung anong mga pwede niyong pag-usapan. Pero yung mga tips na yun pati yung mga binabasa mo, oo, helpful yun pero depende pa rin talaga yan sa character at intentions mo, basta dapat mong i-explain sa kanya kaagad kung anong gusto mong sabihin tungkol dun sa nangyari. Mag-sorry ka at sabihin mong gusto mong itama. Wag mong isipin yung mga worries at regrets mo. Lalo ka lang made-depress nyan. Maging proactive ka. Wag yung puro react tas wala kang gagawin. Tsaka ka na mag-decide kung worth pursuing ba talaga siya pagkatapos niyong mag second meeting.
Tsaka marami akong nakikitang promo fare ads ng Cebu Pacific sa Google mail ko. Mura lang naman. Puntahan mo dun.”
I feel better now.
She’s in medical school. I’m working at a professional services firm. We live 254 nautical miles and 28,000 ft above sea level from each other.
