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She was a good daughter. Everyone thought that she was. But guess what? She wasn’t. No one knew that she killed her own father. She didn’t want to keep it. But now, she’s going to tell you her secret—- she killed him in her heart. She killed him in her thoughts. She wished him dead. She even asked God for help.
She grew up in a complete set of family. Everything was completely plain and normal. They lived together in Bulacan, except with her papa. She and her sister would go to school, do their home works, do the dishes, and do the chores. Her mama, ever since was a businesswoman. She would build up sari-sari store, water station, direct-selling, house rentals, loaning, buy and sell— anything just to support them from studying. On the latter, her papa was a machine mechanic, working at Cavite ever since he was a young man. He was the best mechanic and specialized in carburetors. Even though, he’s the best, they rarely saw him at home. He would go home weekly, and sometimes, monthly that’s why they were not even close. But every time he would go home, they were always excited to see him because of pasalubong and toys. Then when Sunday would come, she’s already sad because he’s leaving again and they’re gonna wait for him again.
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Years past by, during her 5th grade, they transferred to Cavite because her father was not coming back home. His reasons—he had no money to give. Later did they know, he’s spending it with his vices and barkadas so her mama decided to follow him and live together. Just a short period of time, they were able to establish their own car and repair shop. Through this, they were able to buy house and lot to different spots, different cars–changing from time to time because again, her mama would buy and sell (she’s really a businesswoman). Also, they were able to study in private schools and so on.
Just like a normal family, there were times her parents would fight with each other. The main reason— her papa was spending too much money with his alcohol, and cigarettes and always treating their employees with these vices. He would come back home so late that it feels like they were not even together. That simple fight happened all over again and it went to abuse, separation and changed her life forever.
There were no nights that her parents wouldn’t yell at each other, disturbing noises being heard in the house. In short, it was a disaster. It’s so hard that whenever the clock ticks at 12:00 am to 1:00 am, her papa would now create disturbing and frightening noises. He was so drunk that he would bang at the door, their windows. He would shout and accuse her mama of every foul word of her having an affair with their carpenter, and so on. He would even get a big knife to threaten her and they were all terrified.
There was this memorable night that it happened again, and this time, it was extreme heartbreaking encounter. Again, he was drunk and looking at her own papa, he was like a demon right in front of her eyes. Doors and windows were closed but he managed to destroy the main door. He reached for his wife, he grabbed her hair and cursing every foul word that he could and even pointing knife at her. It hurts so much to see her mama crying and begging in front of them. This time, she pushed her papa and stopped him from doing this to her mama. She was begging and crying to stop all of this that if he loves her daughter, he wouldn’t do this. Her mind was so mixed up with so many thoughts that she wanted to kill him with her words, with her cries, and all. This time, he stopped but instead of grabbing her mama, he grabbed their own pet just to release his anger.
All of them, were crying, all of them were hurting. Their pillows were always wet by their tears because of this torture. Her prayers were always the same. She asked God to take away the pain. She asked Him to stop this terrifying situation.
And that night, she wished him dead. She even asked God for help.
She was so desperate. She wanted God to take away her papa. Even though it hurts, she wanted her mama’s safety more than anything else.
That incident pushed her mama to run away, leaving them behind. It came to a point that her mama would visit their school because she missed them so much. She remembered that her mama was waiting at their school gate, her mama was already crying as she saw her daughter approaching. Tears and hugging each other were the only communication that they had. They didn’t even care about people staring at them. All she knew was she missed her mama so much.
Five years ago, right after her first college year in Cavite, her mama decided to take them with her sister and completely leave their papa behind. The first year, second year were sad because even if she hated her own papa, she still loved him. She still missed him.
She thanked the Lord for being faithful to them through the years of pain, hate, and shame. That memorable night, she felt God’s embracing love for her while asking help from Him. His love was so evident through her close friends, her relatives, her church mates, and even to their own Pastor.
Their Pastor, never failed to pray for them, encourage and lift their souls. She only knew through their pastor that her papa was a drug user because their pastor had been through that. Now everything was clear to her. That the reason why he hurts her mama was because he was in the spirit of drugs. She couldn’t believe it herself.
Right now, that climax of her story was now in the stage of falling action and resolution. The Lord forgave her of everything that she did. She asked for forgiveness of wanting her father to be dead. She prayed that hatred would melt; forgiveness would step not only to her, but to her sister and especially to her mama.
God really works together for good to those who love Him and called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28), she realized. Right now, even though her parents were now separated, they were now close to her papa more than ever before. They would communicate through social media, they would even pray together (requested by their Pastor), and say they love each other. That dilemma was used for her to grow, to deepen her faith, and to even love her parents even in their worst.
She’s still praying that one day, her family would be restored and served God until the end.
She was more blessed that she even wrote her own story to share the whole world that she once tried to kill her own father…in her mind and in her thoughts.