I thought I love you because you were the exact person I’ve been praying for. You are kind, nice and gentle. You are a good and wonderful person. I love talking to you because you are a good listener. You make me feel seen and heard. You open doors for me but more than anything you open my heart and here I am, I let you in.
I let you in. I gave you the chance to show me what a beautiful life it is when someone is holding your hands and hugging you from behind. Your presence gave me so much peace. Every time you lean on my shoulder, you made me feel I am needed. You need me and I liked it.
I like it when you look for me when I am not around. My presence means a lot to you. I like it when I am the first person to know what’s in your head. I like it when you let me try your food first. I like it when you bring my favorite drinks. I like it when you allow me to fix your hair. I like it when you bake cheesecake. I like it when you watch my favorite movie even though its not something you’ll pay to watch on cinema. I like it when you know I am sad or feeling down. I like everything you do for me. I like that you spend time with me. I like that you kiss my forehead. I simply like everything about you. I like everything you do for me.
And that’s when I thought maybe I love you.
Then I realized I was wrong.
This isn’t love.
I fell in love with the idea of what love is.
Because if I love you I would never hurt you nor deny you.
If I love you, I would hold your hand when you feel like you are alone. If I love you I should have stayed. If I truly love you I should have choose you over my pride but I didn’t. I only like the idea of you falling in love with me. I fell with the idea of finding my the one but I am not willing to compromise. I am not willing to put your need first. I am not willing to listen to your agony, your insecurities and I can’t stand with your weaknesses.
When love calls me to commit, I ran away because this isn’t love at all. This is just an idea of love; a love that takes but never gives. An idea. Plain. Idea.
Because if it’s love, love is willing to sacrifice. I never sacrifice anything for you. I always seek and expect you would do everything and anything for me. Love is patient but I never was willing to wait for you. Love perseveres but I get tired without even trying.
And thank you for allowing me to experience what I thought love is and if it’s just an idea. I have now the wisdom to know the difference of falling in love with the idea of it and to actually committing to love the person in spite of. Love is willing to sacrifice, always wanting to share and love overflows without expecting.
You know what finally I found someone I would choose to fall in love with but unfortunately he fell with the idea of it. Just in the idea of love.
So I hope the cycle ends here.
Until then, when love knocks again I hope it’s no longer an idea, its no longer an adjective to describe a feeling nor a noun to identify someone or something but a verb because love should be an action word. An action that you are willing to do and not just a recipient of it. Love makes you move. It makes you grow. It inspires you to keep going. It changes people to become more giving and loving. It makes you a better person. It encourages you.
I hope when love arrives, its no longer an idea but a real kind.
