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I guess it’s just one of those days.
It’s just a typical night. I just got home from work. Out of boredom, I was searching in Messenger for conversations with former friends. As I searched for a certain word, I stumbled upon a familiar convo – a group chat, if you may. It was a GC with my ex. It was nothing special actually. He created that so we could send links and photos there for convenience just in case we needed something. Ah, yes. The only members left there were me and my dummy account that’s already deleted. I scrolled to the top to see what we used to talk about, only to find that it was just a GC full of sadness. I thought I deleted this a long time ago.
How come, after all this time that I have already moved on and have my own family, I happened to just find this old conversation? And so I read everything. It was him pleading. Pleading to just give our relationship another chance – him pleading to me to just take the job opportunity in the company that he works in (that I also worked in but contractual). It was him airing out his frustrations on why I do not want to do it; that he cannot find a good reason why I do not want to transfer. It was me being heartless, being so insecure about my career, being too worried to not be able to provide for my family. That’s why I was hesitant to get it. I was afraid of missing opportunties where I currently work, not thinking of our future together. We were in different perspectives back then. He was enduring the long distance relationship. On the other hand, I was okay with the whole set-up. He convinced me really hard, but I was too heartless. WAS. Now I see it from his point of view. But it doesn’t matter anymore. We both have our own lives now, our own families. I haven’t heard from him in a long time and I have no plans on getting in contact with him, his family, or his friends. But how come? How come when I read our conversation, it’s like I felt his pain. How could he be so angry and frustrated, and yet still be gentle with me? How come I was so blinded by what I do not really know back then? It’s gotten to a point where he was trying so hard to let me see the good things that are already awaiting me, us.
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But it doesn’t matter anymore, right? I guess this is just one of those days. I have already let go of the thought that he was probably “the one that got away” even if I was the one who wanted to get away. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family. I love my husband and my son. They are my life. I love the life I’m living right now, but I know I’m just not there yet. I have changed since. I guess I now see the bigger picture. Maybe that was why the break-up had to happen. It’s true, isn’t it? There are all sorts of love in this world, but never the same love twice. But what kind is this that pierces my heart once in a while?
I have already deleted the conversation, I just wish I never had to see it. It brought back so many unwanted good memories. I know many might raise their brows on this. You can judge me all you want, just please be gentle. I am not looking for my next move. I’m just here to get this off my chest. I guess this is just one of those days.