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This is a note for the unsaid words and the unsaid confessions of mine. I have nothing to talk with these things. I feel like I’m all alone. I’m longing for friends, heart to heart conversations, and being able to connect with souls of people.
Before anything else, let me give a description about me. I am sensitive, selfish, prideful, uncivil, and I lack everything everyone wants me to be. I recently got out from an abusive relationship. Hence, the result of countless self-harms even planning to cross the road and wishing to be hit by a moving vehicle. I got verbally abused, and that is fine after all I got convinced that it is all my fault so I should be sorry. It is true that sometimes I do hurt him. He might get stressed an mad about me without even thinking that I get hurt too. I endured those pain every fight but the day came when the feeling got worse and worse. I didn’t know myself. I got confused of my own identity. Do I deserve all these hate? Should I let him go and free myself from this abusive partner? I didn’t know what else to do. I still love him, I still miss him. There are times when you do or say something that might stressed him out, he is transformed into a whole new person. I’m scared and therefore traumatized when this persona of him turns from a soft-spoken, happy, and loving man into something that I couldn’t even describe. All I know is when he became this person, I can’t even speak nor move, and I cry. Hoping to end this feeling inside my heart that struck me like thunder. At night, I could not easily put myself to sleep. I kept thinking all the things he had said. How my soul was crushed, how my heart was broken. I do guess I deserve all of these after all I failed. After all, this is what I am.
Even if I still love you, even if you were my everything, my first love, my happiness, I conditioned myself to let go. Told myself this isn’t healthy for the both of us. I promised myself I am going to recover from everything and I do hope you’ll recover as well. Let ourselves change into a positive person and contradict the negative personalities we had. Lastly, let ourselves get ready to fall in love again. To everyone out there who had the same experience as mine, I pray we find peace, love, and comfort. Not from people but from Him. Who had loved us despite of our shortcomings.
Photo by: Delfi Carmona