They say you only live once, so live and love as much as you can. But then, they never said what happens when you heart gets broken, your mind addled and your soul wandering aimlessly. Nobody gives out a survival kit for when that “my-world-is-crashing-down” bit would happen. There might be clues on how it would be, told in stories meant to captivate but still ends up being vague. Because, until you actually go through it, that’s the only time you’ll understand.
- There’s the crippling pain, where you keep clutching at your chest, as if your heart’s about to fall out with the heaviness of it all.
- You try to breathe but end up gasping for air, because there’s so much going on in your mind, the rest of your body couldn’t keep up and you end up feeling like you’ve run a marathon.
- When everything in your head is going fast, but your surrounding seem to have been put slow playback speed.
- The only moment you’ve ever been productive is when you’re working, because it seems you’ve thrown your entire self in it.
- You are in auto-mode when in front of people, your family and your friends. You can see them, but a bit blurry. You can hear them, but all you hear are buzzing sounds.
- You tell your closest friends you’ve become a bit numb. Numb, in the sense that even though you’re moving, you cannot feel the sensation of that movement. You wonder how you got yourself from your house to the office.
- Your mother starts to worry and ask you what’s going on, and you try with all your might to hold back your tears and stop yourself from breaking down in front of her.
- You feel like drowning, you try to swim up but a rock chained to your foot is keeping you from surfacing.
- You try to sleep but even after waking up, it doesn’t seem like you’ve gotten any sleep at all.
- You find yourself crying, when you’re alone.
And this goes on repeat, for days, for weeks, for months.
I do not know about you, but that’s how it went for me. I did get my survival kit, God gave it to me, and I am ever grateful it helped me claw my way out of that whole situation.
I am now living as much as I can, but the gist is, there is still fear when it comes to love.
Love, not coming from family and friends, but from people who may want to be more than friends. And this scares me. It makes me take a step back and remind myself of how far I’ve come and how well I’ve been taking care of myself. Honestly, I laugh at myself with how afraid I am. And that’s okay, I’m still on that path to fully loving myself.
So, please forgive me.
I may not be able to notice you at first, I may seem a bit indifferent then.
Or if I am able to spot you, please forgive me if I seem distant. I may have already talked myself out of making something out of nothing and stopped myself from fully experiencing you.
When I am in the space where I need to be, where my seas are calm, I will embrace you into my life. You will be loved for everything that you are. To make you see the stars and believe in them. Help you make yourself see your greatest and grandest version of yourself. And our lives will only get better.
Until I am in that space, I know you are waiting somewhere, enjoying your cup of tea with your favorite book, and your playlist on shuffle.
And until I can get to you, I’ll get to myself first.