Letting you go is easy. With all those hatreds, and problems, and negative things.
But this day is different. Today, I realized it wasn’t. That I haven’t let you go. We may have been separated physically for almost 2 months, but I guess, not in my heart, and also not in yours. I thought that I have already moved on. That I am very well, at least okay. That I should be okay since I chose this. It is I who chose to break up with you. But all of these are just mere thoughts. All of these are just imaginations. I forced my mind that I should feel okay (and for a moment I fooled myself, my mind, but not my heart). I have to be strong and after all this time of being alone in the universe, I’m a survivor. But I can also get tired. Tired to pretend. Tired to be strong. Tired to be a survivor. Tired to convince myself that I’m ok. And after all this time, I realized that I can’t force my heart to be ok. This fragile heart was very strong before. Before I met you. Before I knew you. And before I loved you. Yes, this fragility is entirely your fault. You made this heart weak to the point that I am hurting now. Only now, after 2 months.
The first stage of our break up, or should I say before break up. I really don’t want to be with you. You’re so controlling and strict and every decision of mine must have your approval, and I hate it. I hate living my life with someone dictating how I should live. Yes, we have talked about this and made some arrangements. But I know and I feel that you don’t like it. And I don’t want to force someone to do some things they don’t want. I know how it feels. To do something you don’t want to, that you are only obliged to do it and not because you like it. Nor because you are that person who would normally to those things. Another thing is, I feel something’s wrong. We talked about this and we really had a mini-break-up because of this. I can no longer feel the care that you had once on me. You can no longer meet my demands, you can’t even fix your schedule for me, and you no longer care for my whereabouts.
Ang daming what ifs….
But I have to get out of my comfort zone. I know that I am staying because of the comfort and convenience. Not because of love, our happiness, our future. And I choose not to settle on mediocrity, so I have to let go, to step out in the line of the comfort zone.