So how does it feel like losing someone?
He is my only comfort when I feel like giving up. He made me feel like I can still be loved no matter how messy and grumpy I can get. He knew about all the heartaches that I have been hiding in the world. He knew all about all the hopeless troubles and worst weaknesses that I’m choosing to conceal with fake smiles and laughter. He knew about how not okay I am with just a slightly sad face and a blank stare. After learning and accepting for the first time that this is the final end, it feels like the whole world placed its entire weight on my shoulder.
It’s always remembering how we could talk for the whole day even without a single sensible topic and just laughing our hearts out. It is staying at crappy motel rooms and we got no care in the world because nothing else matters when we are together. It is spending the whole night together and how it feels so heavenly seeing him at the other side of the bed with his sleepy eyes and cute smirk gazing towards me. It is hearing his laugh which heals the rusty parts of my soul like no one else can. It is morning breaths and untidy hair during ungodly hours. It is us always arguing at the day but always ending up apologizing and loving each other at night. It is us pouring our hearts out over whiskey bottles until we are sober enough to admit that we cannot live with each other. It’s dying to listen to his voice again even for the last time because hearing it is the only time I feel truly at home.
It is my friends cheering me up during the day but when I’ll be home alone at night, I know I won’t ever stop crying again. It’s waking up at two in the morning because I am drowned with all the thoughts of him and I can’t seem to breathe. It’s hearing a sad song at a public place and rushing to the nearest bathroom because I can’t hold on my tears anymore. It is me wanting to tell him good news and when realizing that he is gone, it feels like the wind has knocked out of me. It is me wanting to hug him again because sometimes home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling when I’m with him.
But why did you leave? How can you be able to fathom the thought that I can live my life without you? How can I ever start again with anyone when you were the only one who knew me by heart? Where am I going to find comfort if you are the home that I always run to? Give me explanations because I can never be able to make sense of your loss. The only thought that I can be sure of is life will be goddamn hard without you and I will miss you until the clouds fade out from the sky.
