Missing the old “you”

How can you miss someone you’ve never met? Never in my wildest dream, but yes I do. I know I don’t have the right to miss the old “you”. I know it’s all my fault in the very first place. Sorry for missing the one who always vent out his feelings, his drama & clingy-ness. The one who always exerts an effort and will still send me a very long sunday gospel sermon tho I don’t send him anymore. The one who will still call me & leave a lot of missed calls on my call log history tho he knows it’s very annoying. The old one, who don’t know how to take a break, who don’t know space & distance, who’ll find a way on how we’re going to solve & talk it out asap & not just wait for a couple of days & weeks. The old one who’ll dance & dress up girly clothes just to cheer me up & make me happy. The old one who’ll strive to play ukulele notes & chords despite having calloused fingers & who will sing out of tune lyrics that always caught me off guard. The one who’s consistent in everything eventhough I am not. I guess that old one is now finally gone. I’m afraid and I don’t prefer the “new one” now. The one who always spent his spare time designing plans infront of his laptop for a couple of hours, who don’t know how to rest anymore, unlike before. I guess he already forgotten what I’ve said before that “hopefully nothing will gonna change as we will be swamped by paperworks, rotational shifts & personal appointments”. He pressures himself too much now by waking up early instead of having a good sleep & rest just to finish those projects I know that has no exact deadlines. The one who knows now how to make excuses behind unanswered calls. The one who consults other people for opinions about “mood changes & behavior”, which brought a huge slap for me, indeed, he don’t trust my words & feelings. The one who can’t handle a simple misunderstanding and who tends to make drama & draw attention to my nearest relatives.

Sorry for my selfishness as how I want your attention to be mine only, or the fcking mood swings I have, where I sometimes crave for time, annoyance, clingyness & everything. Sorry for abusing your patience & understanding. Sorry for being too smugly complacent that you’ll always stay & never give up. Sorry for being anxious all the time. For pushing you too hard always with my knifelike-stabbing-words to give up & leave asap with my unacceptable reasons.

Thank you for knowing me better than anyone else. Thank you for always reminding me to take my time & be healed. Please remember always that I thank God for having you as my other half, though I don’t know you anymore & I don’t know you yet, still, thank you for being the one who taught me how to feel those emotions I’ve never felt with any other person. Thank you for adoring the ‘real me’ that you couldn’t understand, for listening to my nonsense excuses & stories, for challenging me to grow & be at the top of my fullest potential. Indeed it’s not always peaches & cream, thank you for handling my fragile heart, thorny attitude & mood swings. Thank you for going above & beyond to be the greatest buuuuuu I could ever ask. Above all else, thank you for reminding me always to put Him as our center, to trust & respect His plan & perfect timing. 🙏