My anxiety was God’s cue

I am letting you go.
The thought and the fantasy of being with you.
That someday we’ll be together.

It’s only been a while, yet it feels like a thousand days.
You boldly opened your soul to me; unhesitatingly allowing me to immerse deeply in you.
You told me things; I’d only expect to hear from the one who’ll cherish a lifetime with me.
The conversations we had were all beautiful; I was amazed by your authenticity.
You showed me your strengths, so as your weaknesses.
We talked about things our hearts were impassioned: sciences, poetry, and spiritual walk.
The latter I must say, my heart was caught the most.

It gets exciting every time; I always looked forward to your messages.
Though, I established in my mind that you are just a brother in Christ; nothing more.
And I was happy with that thought.
Our friendship got deeper, and I thought it’s going well.
I saw the potential in you.

Until one day I felt uneasy, anxious.
I had no peace for the longest time: extreme headaches, palpitations, loss of focus.
Moments we spent talking turned into nightmares.
So, I paused. I decided to stop talking to you, and process with my Father.
I asked God, why do I feel this way? Did we cross the boundaries?
What is this conviction you’re giving me?
Wouldn’t it be just normal to connect my soul to someone? Deepen our friendship?
Friendship–at least what I thought it was.

Something was awakened, the one that should still be asleep.
I was slowly falling in love; in deniably.
So, I continually questioned God: what is this anxiety you’re giving me?
What’s with this very personal conviction from You?

Solomon 8:4 — “…Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires”

God showed me; I was headed on the wrong road.

Proverbs 14:12-13 — “You may think you are on the right road and still end up dead. Sorrow may hide behind laughter, and happiness may end in sorrow.”

Anxiety aroused should I miss the path towards God’s best.

Which was wrong? The person? The season? The feeling?
I’m not sure; one thing’s for sure, it was the wrong road.
My wayward heart was shouting to push through with that road.
But God was clear, He’s been preserving my purity:
Emotional, spiritual, and who knows even sexual impurity.

1 Peter 5:7 — “Cast all your cares on Him, for you are His charge.”
Philippians 4:6 – “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

It may not be so clear to me, but the Lord chose to give me peace instead of clarity.
The moment I let go and surrendered to God; the anxiety miraculously faded almost instantly.
That anxiety I must say is way better than carelessly drowning in that well.

Philippians 4:7 – “And the peace which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

There could be many doors opening all at the same time.
Some roads may look straightforward: seemingly the right one.
It may be YOUR best; but it could not be GOD’s.
There is only one door heading towards God’s best; God is very specific.
That road is found through prayer and obedience.

If letting go of you means obeying God at this season,
Then I am.
Thank you for everything, I admire all of you.
But for now, I must run this race in solitude with my Father.
Pursuing His desire for my life; heading towards His best through prayer and obedience.
Carefully keeping asleep the one that must remain asleep at this moment.
Waiting for that time when the Lord is pleased enough to awaken it.
Now, God is not just my other half.
Rather, He owns all of me.

I pray that you pursue God’s desires for you as well.

–So amazing how His definition of love: Love is from God, a commitment towards imperfect person, seeking their highest good, which often requires sacrifice, was shown to me by my Father. My peace and joy were temporarily sacrificed; for me to learn and allow God to consume all of me. And right now, I have the courage to say and I am saying “I do” to my First Love