Ngayon kaya? Mag move on ka na!

I know that your intention is pure, the bond and all but sometimes di ko mapigilan talaga na masaktan at yung pakiramdam na I was taken for granted, I was used to proving to your past lover that you’re happy without her which is I doubt. I was used to satisfying your feeling of emptiness. I felt like you are sweeter when we’re in the middle of the crowd, people glancing at us with those accusations in their eyes that I wish were true. However, eventually, it just stay on their minds and I was just for a show but your heart is still a knot in that person, the feeling that you just want to show her to see her reaction like you wanna make her realize what she loses and making her feel jealous through me. My heart is pure and they said when your intention is pure, it’s not you who will lose them which is questionable to me cause having this purest intention toward you slowly seeing you become blurred in the picture. What is more painful is that despite having these guts I still choose you and willingly accept though it hurts if it means having you near me. I envy her, I know I can never replace her and have her place in your life cause she’s your dream and I am just a dreamer who admires you in silence cause breaking my silence means destroying everything we had and even losing you. I was so eager to finally have these feelings fade as soon as possible before it’s me who will be the slave of my heart and feign ignorance of my bleeding heart which is now starting. Every time I look at your face, my emotions are mixed, I’m happy that I get to stare at you this close and at the same time sad because I can never have you as much as I wanted cause it’s not me you ever wanted in the first place. I was just needed and kept because I am the most concerned and caring best friend. Bakit naging kaibigan pa kita? You know that I badly want to distance myself from you, block you and hate you but I just can’t because by the thought of it my guilt is killing me, it’s clear as sky that it is the selfish way and I will always be haunted by our good memories that I will just be going to ruin if ever just because I have these special feelings for you and having you treated as my best friend is not enough. Yung masaya naman ang mga oras na kasama kita pero pag ako nalang mag-isa naitatanong ko sa sarili, “masaya ba talaga ako?” lagi nalang akong nanghuhula sa mga galaw at salita mo na kay hirap basahin at kadalasan yung mga kasagutan na nakukuha ko ay dumudurog sa akin. Sa tuwing magkasama tayo at nakikita ko kung paano ka ngumingiti habang nakatipa sa iyong cellphone at nasusulyapan ko ang pangalan ng babaeng kina iingitan ko, napatulala nalang ako at kahit gaano pa kasaya ang araw ko, magtatapos iyong malungkot at nawawalan ako ng gana sa lahat ng bagay. Indeed, a breakdown isn’t just about crying, sometimes it is about staring blankly and losing all interest in everything. Unfortunately, this is what I always feel when I’m reminded that you love someone else and that ain’t me, you love me as your best friend and nothing more than that. I’m a coward, yes! but there is plenty of time when I plan of confessing to you but sudden situations always came that made me stop and just chose to keep things secret. As I watch the movie, “Ngayon kaya” I’m so focused the whole duration thinking I might get some lesson out of it, and I couldn’t hold my tears which turns into silent sobs that trust me multiple times painful when I picture out myself in AM’s situation. The only difference is that she has the courage to confess her feelings though she said it was just a joke in the end. I am a funny person, I joke frequently with my circle of friends but joking or pranking about confessions to you is the hardest thing to do even let’s just say it’s just a joke but you know it is always hard to make fun of your confessions to someone you really love, cause what if she rejects me even before I said the phrase, “joke lang” how would I feel, can I laugh? nope, definitely, I will break down in front of her and that’s the least I wanted to show to her, I could lose my dignity and look so pathetic in front of her. The lesson of a movie hits me directly, and my millions of “what ifs” came back. What if there’s a chance? what if you eventually form feelings for me? what if the time will come when we will talk about things like this and it was too late for us? Many unsure what ifs, but one thing I’m sure of, if I will confess, whatever the result, it’s either you lose me or I lose you. So to everyone out there who eventually fell in love with their best friend and still chose to stay on their side to save the friendship, I salute you. I know it was never easy but swallowing your pain, and pride and ignoring every heart breaks just to keep that person is one thing that you can be proud of. Imagine being the support system of someone while you’re almost losing your sanity is another level of bravery. Now that I complete the puzzle and realized that it was just my “assuming self” who puts everything special meaning, I’m somehow enlightened and come up with this decision, I will never expect more from you, every sweet gesture and word from you will be accepted as a plain friendly treatment. I will not hold my hopes anymore, it’s time that I will free those what if’s, I will not keep admiring you till this feeling fades cause it will never happen, as long as I keep admiring you, these feelings even get stronger each day. If I used to pray to God before that you will somehow have feelings for me, now, I will pray that one morning I forget these feelings and I can stare directly into your eyes without shaking and feeling nervous. One day I can stare at your eyes longer without feeling uncomfortable and conscious of how I look. It’s my “assumes and hopes” that control me to reach this far admiring you, imagine 6 years almost and I kept this in secret from you though I used to share with you some of my secrets but this? I can’t even utter a word. I will free my what if’s, I will just accept that there are people in our lives that better stay as our friends rather than a lover if we want to keep them longer. I was hurt enough that even these things slowly drained me and drowned my future. Simply discovering things from you that you hang out and get along with this person greatly affects my mood I felt lazy doing my priorities. You never stay as an inspiration, you slowly turn into a trauma. Sorry if in this phase of moving on from you, I will change and the old me will perhaps vanish. Please know that healing from my greatest pain is a valid reason though it’s not your responsibility if I feel this way toward you. I do not blame you cause you never did wrong in the first place, you never knew anything. It just happened that you implicitly hurt me from loving another person while you keep me by your side as your ear and shoulder when you were broken. When you’re broke, I am more broke, seeing you mourn over someone while I was hoping “sana ako nalang”, I’m not okay either but I have to comfort you because you expect that most from me as your best friend. It’s funny how other people gazed at us and talk behind our backs that we were dating, my image is ruined but little did they know, there was never us, it’s just me who hopes in the word “us”. Pagod na pagod ako, pagod na ako hanapan ng rason lahat ang katotohanang isinampal mo sa akin. Yung alam na alam ko ang gagawin at totoo pero pinilit kong mag bulag-bulagan at magpaka tanga kasi doon ako masaya at kuntento. Yung nagpakasaya ako sa kasinungalingan na dapat nung una pa lang di ko ginawa kasi ngayon na nakasanayan ko na, ang hirap tigilan. Para akong adik na balik ng balik kahit ipinagbabawal na ika’y balikan. Yung alam kong masisira ang kinabukasan ko sayo pero binalewala ko kasi ganoon ako kabaliw sayo. Tama na, ngayon kaya? totohanin ko na ang ibaon sa limot itong nadarama na alam kong kailanman hindi magiging tama.