At this point, I think I’ve written you more or less 100 unsent letters. I needed an outlet for my emotions because I know I can never tell you those directly.
To be honest, it’s been a long struggle for me to stay friends with you. Don’t get me wrong, I really love being your friend. My friendship with you is genuine. I sincerely hope that you know that. You’re one of the sweetest and most caring to me, and I value that so much. You may or may not know how I truly feel for you, but here it is. I have always had feelings for you since the day I laid my eyes on you. Unfortunately, I was late (that is assuming I would’ve made the cut).
Believe me, I tried my best, with all my strength, to hide and forget those feelings because nothing good can come out of it. I seriously liked other people at the time. However, whenever those chances lead to nowhere, I find myself being drawn to you all over again. And it just got deeper over the years.
I did not befriend you because I wanted something more. You should be able to tell that circumstances brought us together as good friends, and I am very much grateful for your friendship. I thought the feelings should fade over time. Once I get to know you, maybe I can just look at you as my big brother or a wise confidant. And so we became really close. We have shared a lot of long conversations. We have shared plans and everything. We even went out with just the two of us, once. And then little by little, unknowingly, I am back to square one, so much deeper than where I was.
A lot of people would mention, out of the blue, that you’ve been like that ever since – kind, sweet, thoughtful to the point that a girl would think you like her. I want to believe that I am not that naive. I have eyes and ears, and my intuitions never failed me. As much as I don’t want to see it, I am sure that you treat me extra special, that you look at me differently, that you like and enjoy my company, that you don’t want to lose me.
I tried my hardest to distance myself from you, but every time, like each time I do that, you would do something, and I would forget about forgetting my feelings for you. It was like that when we were in the same office. It’s still the same even after we parted ways as officemates. It was supposed to be easier to avoid you, but you, maybe unknowingly, make it hard for me. No matter how hard I tell myself that the next time we would chat or see each other, I will not be my usual self, that I’ll try to be cold, just very casual, or I would just ignore it, I couldn’t do it. My thoughts always take me back to all the nicest things and words you’ve given me and the best times that we were together. Those were priceless to me even if they don’t mean the same to you.
You gave me attention when no one else did. You looked at me differently, even stared many times. You were always sensitive. You made me love and value myself more. You helped me dream again – this is big because that time we first met, I was just going with the flow wih no concrete goals. Your life showed me I can and I deserve more. Yes, you can claim that I went back to school because you left. I was on one of my lowest points when you left. No one else would understand me. No more chats. No more endless conversations. No more sight of you, and it really broke me so I thought of making something out for myself because without you around, I really felt empty. I also wanted to make you proud and to prove to myself that what you think of me is real.
Still, we remained friends who see each other occasionally, and those are one of my happiest moments that kept me going while I work and study at the same time. Sorry for holding on to you for so long and making you my reason for everything.
Now, I’m at the crossroads again because you somehow changed. The warmth changed which is very much understandable. I thought to myself, that’s great, makes it easier for me to finally move on. You’re a great spiritual adviser. I appreciate all your effort, but if you remember one of our conversations, I was struggling in all aspects. I want to do things for the right reasons. I can’t continue growing my spiritual life with you. Don’t get me wrong, you will always be a big part of where I am now, personally and spiritually, but while you’re there, I’ll just keep on depending on you and keep on getting confused on my motives. I am crying while I am writing this. I said goodbye too many times and it hurt every time to the point that I couldn’t breathe. Whenever my feelings consume me, I always question my worth to you. Like am I special to you or did I just read too much through the lines? Do you like me as a friend? Or am I purely a mission to you? This last one just breaks me every time I think about it.
I’m not sure if you will believe me, but I really love you as a friend, and I am very grateful that I met you. Unfortunately, I love you more than that, and it hurts me to the core. I know that you don’t believe in one-sided love, but it’s so true. I thought about this a hundred times, and maybe I need this closure to move on. At least, I have said my piece (with all the hopes that you would understand). And maybe, hopefully, once I’ve thrown this out there, I will eventually get it out of my system, that it will somehow become untrue. You will always have a friend in me, and I hope it’s the same with you. But for now, it’s time for the long overdue goodbye to the feelings that should not have been there in the first place, goodbye to the moments I thought I was okay in keeping forever, goodbye to the love I have held on to, goodbye to any bit of hope of a future with you, goodbye to the 9 long years of only having my eyes on you. It’s high time to move forward.
