The first time I saw you. I know that I am very much interested with you. You might not be the kind of guy I would date, but there is something different about you. I had a hinch that I’ll end up with you.
It started when you asked what type of guy Im interested in dating, I said a Godly man, my parents would love and someone I am compatible with. I dont know why you find that interesting but we started talking. We planned of going out as a team. We chatted and planned till eventually the Convo went from planning to personal. That’s when I started to like you more. I remembered how exhausted you were, when the day that we planned came. But still you insisted of going out. After that, the Convo continued till my last day of rotation in your department. I remembered us being low key meeting outside our work just to have lunch together. I remembered you sitting beside me when I do some procedures. I remembered you asking me to assist whenever you do your work. I remembered your effort on buying me flowers, fetching me and driving, even if you are exhausted from a number of patients that day. On our first date, I am very much excited, I was praying so hard, my heart is screaming. When you came you handed me these beautiful flowers, I’m confused, the trace of smile in my face is uncontrolable. We were supposed to watch a movie, but a call from the OR came, so you have to leave me with the flowers you bought. I remembered how you told me that I deserve those.
I remembered how much you respect me that you even asked me if you can hold my hand. I remembered your frustrations whenever a call from work comes at the middle of our date and you have to leave. I remembered your random calls and rants and how much you hated going to work. I remembered how much trust you gave me whenever. I remembered our quick coffee dates. I remembered when you told me that I am like a sun to you, because I light up your mood whenever you see me. I remembered when you went to my house to meet my Parents. My heart still flutters. How I wish we can do it all over again. I remembered driving from fairview to manila, after a 36 hours shift just to see you and have a quick dinner, even if I have to wait for 2 hours. And see you just for an hour. I remembered your laugh, the way you smile, that chinky eyes and how happy you look when you talk to me. I remembered when you told me you never felt that happy for a long time.
I prayed for you.
Then you left. You left me without any word. You left me hanging to a thought of what went wrong? Was it too much? Or was it not enough? I still message you everyday. Telling you that I am still here, that I will stay no matter what.
That I am not giving up on you.
Then your reasons came.
Reasons I never thought I would hear.
Reasons that was not because of me.
I chose to stay,even if that reason deserves a goodbye.
But.. There we’re no replies.
Every notification sound, is a hope it was you.
But there’s none…
Finally, the day comes I can manage not to think of you anymore.
My October. I greeted you on your Birthday and we started talking again. You even surprised me at work via 2 hours commute for an 1 hour dinner.
My hopes are high again.
What I felt is back.
I visited you again.
Waited for more than 2 hours outside your work, but it doesn’t matter with hopes of seeing you. Even if I don’t like waiting
Yes, my pet peeve.
But you are an Excemption.
Always and Excemption.
We video called
non stop Convo is up again.
And I assured you that Im on your side,always. I showed you how much I love you.
Yes, I was indenial that I love you.
But, I love you.
I loved you, inspite of all your flaws
Inspite of your inconsistencies
I loved you.
My November. For the second time. You left me without a single word. My birthday came, my thoughts are in your promise of a quick lunch.
I waited, but you never came.
I was looking at the front door hoping you’ll show up.
Because you promised.
A thought that you will never ever forget that it was my birthday. No! He will never. I’m sure he was just busy but he will come..
11:59pm, still no greetings from you.
I hated you.
I cried in my dorms shower room, trying so hard to stop myself so kuya wouldn’t see me as I go out. Then, I saw a video of you alone in a one resto sleeping at the table. I knew the first reason you left me is thesame reason you left me again.
It breaks my heart
It pains me.
Painful that I can no longer cry
I know it was not your intention to hurt me.
I hope you see what I see in you.
I hope you know how much I adore you.
How I look up to an amazing human being.
I know you can’t see that, but please believe me when I say,
you are strong
you are good
you are loved.
My July, October and November.
My love for you is tested in such a small amount of time. But I know that it’s true. I pray for your peace of mind. I pray that you find yourself soon. I pray that you love yourself more. I hope you find yourself.
And if the time comes you are ready to love someone. I hope she will never give up on you. I hope she will stay no matter what. I hope you receive the love you deserve.
I love you.
Sometimes, there are things you have to give up, to regain your worth. To regain yourself. Recovery takes time, but loving yourself more in the process will make it worthwhile.
- Signing out