You will feel the pain sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally. But the pain inside does hurt the most. You can hide it between those jokes, between those waves of laughter, between those smiles, and between the words “OK lang ako.”
Sadly, pain is seldom understood, and most of the time, it is misinterpreted. Telling you’re in pain makes others think and ask, “Ano ka batang musmos?”, and showing that you’re in pain makes them blurt out, “Hay naku, pabebe.”
But why am I stuck in between these situations? Why do I have to be hurt like this in the end? Why I have to decide on something I don’t want to do? Why do I have to choose between right and wrong? Why do I need to be one of them? Why I have to be criticized for the way I lived my past? Why I have to be doubted? Why I have to keep secrets between my friends? Why I have to choose where to go? Why I have to be alone just for them not to think things that would hurt them? Why my kindness has to be doubted? Why do I have to be bad to show them that I am strong? Why do I have to be the “other person” just to please them? Why do I have to belong when I know there’s nothing bad in being different? Why do I have to answer questions that don’t matter? Why do I have to explain myself? Why do I have to be treated like the villain in someones life? Why do I have to be pressured of your fear? Why do I have to be hurt by your jealousness? Why do I have to defend people who are not willing to be saved? Why do I have to be the one who’s only hurt when all I wanted was to keep this friendship? Why do you have to keep on telling me that this friendship will end if I my decision failed? Why do I have to act OK when it’s not? Why do I have to adapt your “hayaan nalang” style in solving problems? Why do I have to feel unease now?
Who are you anyway? Do I have to be like you for you to befriend me? Am I your true friend on times like this? Or is our friendship conditional? Do you really value what we have started?
What did I do wrong? Why does just being myself really hurt?
