I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks and failures when it comes to love and relationships. Wala pa akong nagiging girlfriend/boyfriend before but liking someone and the pain a love lost costs does not need labels. Kahit crush mo lang, nasasaktan ka. Minsan nga ang OA pa. Tapos lagi na lang, ikaw yung taga-sana all ng mga kaibigan mong in a relationship. I’ve heard a lot of excuses. Merong mali daw kasi ang timing ko. Merong I’m too good for them daw and hindi nila ako deserve. Merong hindi pa sila ready magcommit. Merong madali naman daw ako mahalin kaso hindi kasi talaga nila ako type. I’ve questioned myself a thousand times before too kung bakit di pa rin ako nagkakaroon ng relationship. Kahit isa. Panget ba ako? (Kapalit-palit ba ako? 😂) Masama ba ugali ko? Hindi ba ako okay kasama? Mukha ba akong walang alam? Mabaho ba ako? May caution sign ba sa noo ko na “Don’t you dare”? Bakit wala pa rin akong jowa? I was starting to doubt my worth. Then you came.
You and I met a few months before our actual love story started. For me at least. Kasi sayo pala our story started on the day we met. When I was introduced to you for the first time, the only thing that registered to me was that you look like my favorite K-drama actress. After natin mag-usap, kinuwento kita agad sa mga close friends ko. Hinanap ko pa facebook mo para lang may proof akong ipapakita. I was starstruck and found myself smiling pag nakikita ka. I guess you can call it happy crush pero hanggang dun lang yun. I didn’t see you as a potential partner since I was courting someone else then and you were in a relationship too. Autopass if may jowa kasi ayoko ng nagiging third party. So yung happy crush ko nawala na rin. Hindi na kita napapansin. You were just an ordinary workmate to me. Yes, close ako sa circle of friends mo because kayo ang madalas kong kinukwentuhan ng mga ganap ko sa buhay including my heartbreaks. Everything changed when you resigned and we started to talk. As in yung legit usap.
I first noticed that your posts are somewhat sad or depressing so naisip kong kamustahin ka since sa inyo naman ako nagkkwento noon, baka gusto mo ring magkwento sa akin. Eventually, naging araw araw na yung usap natin hanggang sa isang araw nagkaron ka ng lakas ng loob. Umamin kang may gusto ka sakin ever since the day we met. Hindi ako makapaniwala nung una kasi sino ba naman maniniwala na yung taong starstruck ka, may gusto pala sayo. Since you were brave, I decided to be too and told you na crush din kita noon. I guess it started there. That time, ang alam ko ay kayo pa ng jowa mo so I was keeping my distance still. You were telling me how hindi na kayo okay tho and that you feel like nasasakal ka na sa relationship niyo. Believe me, when I was comforting you and giving you advice then, wala akong ibang intention. I was being an objective friend na nagsasabi sayo ng advices like “If you think it’s still worth it, and kung mahal mo pa, kaya pa yan.” But you told me na you weren’t sure by then. May minsang sundot ka na rin ng “ano kayang difference kung nalaman mo dati na may gusto ako sayo?” and ako naman with “eh di tayo na sana ngayon”. It was me taking a long shot na baka may gusto ka pa rin sakin kasi I realized that during the time that we were talking, I fell for you. Ang talino and ang saya mo kausap and I suddenly just found myself waiting for your messages kahit antok na ako. Four days was all it took for us to finally decide to meet and have coffee. Sa Makati ka nakatira nun pero pumunta kang QC with the excuse na pupunta ka rin naman sa bahay ng kuya mo who lives just a few streets from me. I was so nervous and excited. We got to talk and while looking at you across from me in that cafe, narealize ko kung gaano na ako kahulog sayo. Ang sarap mo panuorin ngumiti at tumawa. Halata kong nahihiya ka nun. Sinama kita sa bahay namin because I actually want my family to meet you and you to meet them. Wala tayong naabutan sa kanila except my Tita and my Lola. After showing you my room na sobrang magulo pa nun, I offered na ihahatid na kita sa bahay ng kuya mo. Low key because I want to know where he lives exactly para pag pumunta ka dun, I can surprise you and just be in front of his house. Best decision I ever made because di ko nameet kuya mo but I get to meet your mom. Agad agad. I was so happy when you told me na naalala ako ng mom mo agad dahil sa pink kong buhok. That was one of those few moments that I thanked my hair for being weird and unique. Two days later, November 30, we decided to hangout and drink kasama isa pa nating workmate. We chose a bar near my house and you were actually hinting on staying over sa amin after because ang layo pa ng Makati kung uuwi ka pa. I was insisting na umuwi ka na lang because hiyang hiya ako sa itsura ng kuwarto ko nun and I don’t know kung mapipigilan ko sarili ko pag katabi na kitang matulog. Remember, I still think na kayo pa ng jowa mo. While drinking, I feel your hands slowly caressing my back and sometimes you’re putting your arms around my shoulder. Dala siguro ng alcohol and my true feelings, I started to lean on your shoulders pag inaakbayan mo ako. Then, you whispered to me na wala na kayo ng jowa mo. When I asked kelan pa, sabi mo sakin simula nung umamin ka sakin. Sabi mo wala na kayo bago ka pa umamin kasi gusto mo na kapag umamin ka, maayos na lahat. Yung tibok ng puso ko nun, kung alam mo lang. I hugged you and inakbayan mo ako. Tapos sakto naman na may nakiupo na guy sa table natin and trying to make friends with me. Paabot na sana ako ng kamay ko when you stopped me and kept them hugged around you. “Di siya interesado.” sabi mo agad kay kuya. He was insistent and telling you na makikipagkaibigan lang naman daw pero di ka rin nagpatalo. “Wala akong pake. Sabing hindi nga siya interesado eh.” I looked at you and kilig na kilig na ako nun. Akala ko sa movies lang yun nangyayare. Biglang nagpagame yung DJ ng bar, calling all singles in the room. Sabi mo sakin, “Oh yung mga single daw.” and I answered you with “Bakit? Single pa ba ako?”. Yung puso ko nung bigla kang umiling, grabe parang sasabog. We decided to go home and sabi ko sa amin ka na matulog kasi late na. Nung magkatabi na tayo, we were just looking at each other, we tried to talk but I guess napuputol din agad. Partly because I was so nervous. Katabi kasi kita matutulog. I didn’t know what came over me but I kissed you. Smack lang kasi I haven’t kissed anyone before so I don’t know how. Nagulat ka and nakita ko manlaki mata mo before it softened and you smiled. I admitted that that was my first kiss and what you did next sped everything up. You kissed me and showed me how a real kiss should go. I was so scared to ask you kung tayo na ba kasi baka sabihin mong hindi so di na kita binigyan ng opportunity to back out. Ang tanong ko agad ay “So kailan monthsary natin? 30 or 1? Kung 30, paano sa Feb? 1 na lang ah.” Natawa ka and you just nodded then kissed me again. I remember vividly how we started na parang kahapon lang. Now, we’re almost on our 6th month. Ang bilis.
To you who is reading this, and all of those who are having a hard time and struggling with your relationships but still continues to love, especially during this pandemic, I just want to say na stay strong lang and have faith in each other. I guess di pa rin ako qualified to give advices kasi hello 6 months palang kami but it’s not really about how long you’ve been together, di ba? And kung paano kayo nagsimula doesn’t matter either. The right one comes at the right time, the right place, and the right moment. Sometimes you just know these things and sometimes you don’t, and that’s okay. It wasn’t easy for either of us. There are a lot of almost breakups. The hardest one was the most recent. Alam kong nahihirapan at napapagod na kami parehas. It has become more toxic that I thought it’d be. Never kong naimagine na ganito siya. I thought before na as long as mahal niyo ang isa’t isa, everything will come easy. Hindi pala. Love doesn’t make things easy. It makes the hard parts worth it. Hindi niyo nalalagpasan ang mga bagay kasi madali. Nalalagpasan niyo ang mga bagay kasi kahit anong hirap, nasa isip niyo na magkasama naman kayo to work it out and worth it lahat kaya you go through with it.
To you, my 2019 plot twist, I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you. For all the things you are enduring for me, for us. Thank you for loving me and making me feel that I am worth loving every single day kahit ako mismo hindi ko yun nakikita minsan. Thank you for always considering me first in the things you do and the decisions you make. I’ve never felt such selfless love before (aside from my family of course). Thank you for choosing to stay kahit na napapagod ka na. Thank you for not giving up on us and for always thinking na everything can still be fixed kahit sobrang hirap na. Na hindi option ang bumitaw at maghiwalay. I am looking forward to the next chapters in our adventure and I look forward to not just growing old with you but also growing with you as a person.
