The aftermaths of everything from the moment i found out, to say the least, is overwhelming and not the good kind. When i knew that i was part of your scheme for infidelity, no matter how angry i was, how hurt i felt at that point i couldn’t bring myself to talk to you so all i was able to send you was a short message on how or why you did what you did. I was innocent of it all, some might think that I knew all a long to have played the part so well, but the only reason why I was able to be in that situation because i was blindly attracted to you. I will not give you the satisfaction of hearing the 4 letter word, you don’t deserve it. I have no reason to prove my innocence simply because I don’t think i have to and I don’t think I owe anyone anything. Some people are so quick to judge on the woman of whom he cheated with, without having to hear what they have to say. Some yes are very much aware of the situation and some, like me, fell victims to predators much like yourself.
This constant battle of questions in my head have been lingering for a while and truth be told i don’t even know where to begin the questioning. But the main denominator of these questions would be why? Why would you do this? Sad to say i would no longer be able to hear the answers i so solemnly want to hear because i blocked you as soon as i saw the proof. And even as i unblocked you, i never heard from you since. Maybe cause of guilt? Well you should be. That very first time I saw the photo would forever haunt me for as long as I live. Do you even know the implications of your actions? Or is your ego rejoicing with the fact that I’m just another notch on your belt for a well-played scenario? What were you thinking? That I wouldn’t find out? Bro, haven’t you heard? Ladies are better at investigation than both FBI AND NBI combined. But I am a woman of class and it is beneath me to cause a scene or scream countless curses at you, which i am dying to. A slap isn’t enough to account for the hurt and shame you caused me. What’s more beneath me is to continue on as if i knew nothing, i will never settle for that kind of lifestyle. I meant no disrespect to the women who choose to be in that situation simply because out of love. I am no martyr. Or perhaps monetary reasons but i am in no need of such. And even if i do, i will not forsake my pride, my dignity and my humanity to just settle. I will not commit such sin against a fellow lady. I am not a snake. THAT IS BENEATH ME.
For my friends who knew my situation they said, I averted a mid-life crisis. They would praise me for listening to my gut and my intuition and applauded me for taking the high road. They said that i won in your game of infidelity. But it didn’t feel that way. Yes I avoided the worst thing that could have happened in my life but truth be told aside from feeling the humiliation, the betrayal and the wrath, i felt deeply and truly hurt…Wait… hurt is an understatement…I felt devastated. Because yes i loss something that i thought was “the one”. You were everything i hoped to find and many more. You were caring and sweet and most importantly matured in every aspect. I looked up to your philosophies in life. You were hard working and ambitious. I admired that about you. I saw through your hardships and I at that time said to myself, “i wish i was like you”. And i respected you for being so caring to your family, not everyone is like that now a days.
And yet when everything that I thought you were was destroyed, that you weren’t the guy i knew you were, everything just fell apart. Was everything a lie? How much of it was the truth? When you dropped that God forsaken 4 letter word, did you really mean that? And for a minute there my head and my heart believed you. But after what i saw, i did not only lost my respect for you but i lost faith in your humanity. The most painful part? I lost faith in myself. I lost confidence in my judgements. And there is that constant fear in me. The thought of finding someone else and then getting scared that he might be just like you is excruciating torture. The whole debacle gave me this sense of trauma, that whenever i see wedding photos, pre-nuptials shoots or wedding videos i would always remember the first time i saw that d*mn photo. It gave me the shivers and the goosebumps. My body would correspond to the fear and i’d choke.
I keep on battering myself with the question of why you would cheat on your wife? Why would anyone cheat on someone they vowed to monogamously love for the rest of their life, through sickness and in health, through richer or for poorer? I have never been married but i know that this right here is a solid vow that you made with her in front of the altar. And yet here you are committing something that is considered one of the 7 deadly sins. Puh-lease if you wanna rot in hell don’t include me in your party. But seriously though, why? Is it because you got sick of the married life? You got sick of your wife? You’re looking for a good time? They say that when a man cheats on his wife it doesn’t necessarily mean that they no longer love their wives. They are just good at separating emotions to the idea of having fun but you as a guy, didn’t you ever consider the feelings of the person you are trying to fool?!? Did you ever think of what I would feel if I found out about your plans? Did you ever think of what i would become if i found out about your real status? For once, even just a glimpse of a second, Did you ever think of me at all? Or were you too busy planning your escape plan whilst leading me on for as long as you can hold and just waiting for the bomb to explode? Cause right now that’s how it feels like. The bomb did explode, not in the manner you expected but I knew. And you are such a coward for not having the balls to face me. You don’t even have the decency to apologize. Not that I would accept your apology but is there no more sense of remorse left in your body at all?? Right now, the unprecedented event is making me regret I ever had feelings for the likes of you. But unlike you, I know how to face my mistakes and I openly admit that i indeed invested my emotions and my time on you. I’ve been true to you all this time. Not one bit did i lie anything about myself, i was basically an open book cause i thought you were too. Well, my bad. What exactly did you expect to come out of this? That i’d be okay with it? That i’d fight for you? You’d imagine me and your wife confronting, showing our fangs and clawing each other to death just for one unfaithful man? That Sir, only happens in movies and dramas to which i don’t wish to be part of. You are not worth the fight. You are not even worth the pain. Another idea came to mind that maybe you and your wife are experiencing some sort of marital problems. Monetary? Or maybe there’s that possibility of her finding comfort in someone else’s arms that is why you are doing the same thing. I am not in any way accusing her of anything i’m just trying to throw in possible scenarios that will satisfy my curiosity but no matter how much i try to come up with figurative answers it will always just be nothing but mere assumptions. Whatever it is you guys are going through, know that cheating is not the answer. It does not only hurt you and your wife but know that you are also causing unnecessary pain to the people you are seeing outside your marriage. It is degrading and this is why the sanctity of marriage is slowly dying. But then again all these questions still remain unanswered and forever will be that way. I don’t intend to seek answers just to justify what you did and nothing in this world would ever justify the means of cheating.
Usually when I break things of with something or someone i’d thank them for the lessons they imparted on me. But with this case, I have nothing to Thank you for. I saved myself from the hell you put me through. I don’t necessarily wish ill on you but for the sake of myself and for whoever your other victims are, I sure do hope karma finds its way to you. Safe to assume that everything you said to me was a lie, You are the very embodiment of the Warning all Mothers out there told their daughters about. I just hope for my sake, your wife doesn’t find out about your misconducts and if she does one day find out she’ll wake up and realize what she married herself into. I only wish the best of luck to her and never to you.
Xoxo
warriorLady
