Too much of anything can kill you. Too much salt. Too much sugar. Too much stress. And of course, so does too much love [loving]. Too much love can make you lose your mind and instincts, especially when given to the wrong person. But you might say,
“Eh kasi mahal ko siya.”
“She means the world to me kaya gagawin ko lahat para sa kanya.”
“I can not live without him so I’ll give anything he wants.”
Blahblahblah. I know. I have heard those oh-so-familiar lines from oh-so-many hopelessly devoted lovers. But let me ask you this: In their game of love, how much of yourself are you willing to gamble?
Maybe your body. Yes, physical connection is one of the aspects you have to satisfy. You are most willing to give up all your energy for that person. You would do anything; give them anything they wish. Forget about sleep, hunger and prior appointments; that person is on top of your priority list because you feel more accomplished and satisfied when you are able to give what they ask of you.
Maybe your mind. Ideas, thoughts and perspectives. The standards you once set have adjusted to fit their mold. You let them wander through the deepest channels of your imaginations. You enjoy their company, forget about the past, and let those memories of them occupy the vacated spaces. At some point, you influence each other with both virtue and wickedness. You enjoy how that person is able to share a little compared to the wealth you have given because you still believe that ‘the more you give, the more you’ll get in return [someday, perhaps]’.
Yes, your heart. Open-wide. Every corner and rooms, no matter if empty or not, you let them occupy all the spaces of your heart. When life gets dark clouds, you were there to be their sunshine and rainbow. In difficult times, you were there to share their burden. When they are in pain, you wished you were the one hurting instead. You want things easier for them so you suffer, alone, without letting them know.
Your soul. Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. Letting them use you – your body, mind and heart; you’ve let them manipulate you as a whole. They’ve tainted you. Used you to their own liking. You trusted them and became faithful but they failed to reciprocate. You sometimes forget the difference between what’s morally right from what you think is right just because you think it’ll make them happy.
After all that you’ve done, still, they search for something else. They look for someone who could give what they think you still lack. You’ve been fooled over and over again and yet, you still hope they’d change for you or for the love you’ve given, at least. Broken was your trust but you took again the bait of that deceiving ‘Sorry, baby’. You believed someday, things will be better. Maybe your efforts will be noticed and appreciated. Maybe you’ll be cherished as much as you cherished them. Maybe you’ll be loved a little bit more.
For this kind of love, what more of you can you give up?
Dear, if that person can’t love you back equally, it’s because they’ve used you up already. There’s no point in trying when you have gambled all your tokens. This kind of selfless love is a scam; an investment without returns that will drain the life out of you if you don’t stop. So stop waiting already.
Have you ever thought of your self-worth lately? ‘Cause if you haven’t, it’s high time. Time has come to love yourself a bit more than others. You have so much love given to the person who never saw your value. Be selfish now and think about ‘I’ instead of ‘you’.
Sleep early and wake up when you feel like it. Go to places you weren’t able to visit before. Eat as much as you want. Use your favorite clothes. Go out even without wearing make-up. Catch-up with your friends you haven’t seen for so long. Spend your money and buy that pair of shoes he never wanted to buy for you. Drink, go home and have a sound sleep. Do things that will make you feel alive again.
When you have finally recovered the lost love you have for yourself and you begin to do the things that make you happy, you will attract the person who will respect your body, nurture your mind, care for your heart and protect your soul. Every bits and pieces of the love you have given will be returned to you by that person worthy of you and everything you have.
Everyone deserves to be loved, and so do you. Maybe not by the way you have fantasized, but surely through a love that won’t make you surrender your self-love and respect.
To the selfless woman I know and to all people who have loved all-in and left nothing for themselves, love yourself a bit more, now. Okay?