Not everyone has the courage to admit that they hurt somebody and because of our reluctance to accept that we hurt someone, the world continuously hurt.
Pain, I think, will only start to vanish, if we accept that we are beings in dire need of grace. Humility is always the way to becoming the best version of ourselves, right? Before we became good at something, we first accepted the fact that we don’t know anything about it and I think, to become person of character, we start by humbling ourselves down.
In a world that values power and control, gaining something and feeding one’s self, humility is hard to achieve. It is, I think, the hardest achievement of all the things to be achieved is a humble heart because it will cost us our whole lives.
To the woman I hurt,
I am sorry.
No words can explain or no endless number of sorry can make this more apologetic than what it currently is, but this is from my heart and this is all that I could think about. Hopefully, you find this letter one day and forgive me for breaking your heart.
It’s been months. Though outwardly I am fine and still functions like a normal human being, I hide the sadness of parting ways. I am not telling this so you’d come back, or for you to feel terrible. I am telling this because this is what’s true. —Losing people who cared and you care about will surely sting.
I’ve realized that issues, if not properly dealt with, will show up in the next attempt to understand someone’s soul. I’ve realized that my issues since it was not properly dealt with, showed up early on and I dragged your scarred soul into the mess that I should have dealt with even before pursuing you.
Every time I remember how our issues got us into this, I remember how, I, as a man, should have been responsible for leading my heart and leading yours. I should have been, as a man, guarded your heart against me and guarded mine from me. Instead of shielding you from hurt, which I promise you I tried to do, I was the one who added wounds to your wounded heart. I should have known better. I should have been more patient and respectful since that’s all that you’re basically asking from me.
There’s a lot of was’ and been’s, shouldn’t should have, couldn’t and could have and though it hurt both of us, I want to be optimistic. I learned, at least. Even if the cost of learning is losing you—something that is unnecessary but became necessary for learning. I can fill this letter with feelings and emotions, jargons and paradoxes but nothing will change. All I can do is learn and continue to ponder what to learn until the right one comes along.
I don’t know if one day we will still meet again someday or if our paths will still cross but I am not hoping for something as massive as that anymore. Forgiveness is enough for me. You reaching your life goals is enough for me.
I hope that you become the best version of yourself. I will continue to pray for your health, for your passion and reason why you do all the sacrifices that you did for the people that you love. Thank you for the lessons. For the memories. I hope you’re happy.
Love,
The guy who hurt you.
Ps. I still remember the aroma of your perfume. You’re still the person I remember when I spend time in coffee shops.
I think the biggest lesson that we could learn about love is that we can’t come in our own terms. We always approach love with our assumptions, conclusions and pictures of how we wanted love to be but that’s not how learning to love works. Love is always redefined depending on what pleases us when love is always about the other person. When approaching love, or learning how to love, we should—like anything that we want to learn—approach it without any prejudices and let love show Himself. Only when we humble ourselves down and accept that we don’t know love can love really define Himself. By that we’ll learn that love isn’t about us after all.
My dear readers, learn from my mistake. Don’t lose her.
Don’t lose the person you value the most.
