Bakit hindi ako yung babaeng pinapangarap?
Bakit hindi ako yung babaeng hinihiling?
Bakit hindi ako yung babaeng ginugusto sa malayo?
Bakit hindi ako yung babaeng hinahanap-hanap?
Bakit hindi ako yung babaeng pinagmamalaki?
Bakit hindi ako yung babaeng minamahal ng walang kapalit?
Lahat ng tanong na maaari kong itanong tungkol sa mga bagay na wala ako, naitanong ko na yata sa mundo. Noon pa man, hindi na ako yung babaeng pinapangarap. Madalas, ako yung babaeng nandiyan dahil iniwan sila o kaya ako yung kapalit nung mahirap makuha. Ako yung babaeng madaling maniwala sa mga salita nila at lagi umiintindi sa mga problema nila. Ako daw yung mabait at mapagmahal dahil mabilis mapalagay ang loob nila sa akin.
Pero napansin ko sa halos lahat ng nakilala ko, meron silang babaeng pinangarap o hiniling. Sinasabi pa nila sakin na, “dream girl or ideal girl” pero hindi nila nakukuha o kaya naman iniiwan sila. Tapos ako naman si taga-salo sa mga affections nila dahil hindi nila nakuha yung babaeng yun. Sa una, hindi ko naman iniintindi at iniisip pero sa huli nalaman ko na insecure ako. I envy those girls who were once dreams and ideals of men I talked to. Naiinggit ako sa mga babaeng sobrang ganda at talented at pinapangarap ng mga nakausap kong lalaki.
Ako kaya? Has anyone ever seen me that way? Has anyone out there seen me as someone he dreamed to be with? Has anyone stared at my photos and wished to cherish me? Has anyone ever wanted me so bad that he talked about me to his friends and even strangers? Why can’t I have that too? Am I not beautiful enough? Am I not unique or interesting enough? All these troubling thoughts flood my head and I am constantly drowning in this sea of insecurities I can’t escape from.
But then I am reminded of how my worth and dignity should not be contingent to how men see and think of me. My worth is not something as shallow and short-lived as someone’s point of affection, dream, or ideal. Bakit ko iiispin na yung paghanga ng iba yung magtatanggal ng inggit ko? Bakit ko iisipin na kagandahan o katawan lang ang pwedeng maging halaga ko? Bakit yun ang gagawin kong pamantayan ng halaga ko? God says that I am wonderfully and fearfully made so why should I let myself think that I am not as what God sees me? And if God sees me as His masterpiece and treasure, why should I concern myself with futile matters such as not being wanted by a man when I can love God more than anything and anyone as much as He loves me?
When Jesus died on the cross for my sins, I know He knew that there is a huge possibility that I might not love him back or accept his gift of eternal life but He did it anyway. He chose to stay on that cross knowing full well how sinful I will and could be. He knew that there will be numerous moments in my life that I would choose to go my own way and disregard His feelings in the process but chose to save me anyway. And if that is not the greatest love of all, then I do not know what else is.