I’m not sure the exact moment that I had this realization. It could be the thousandth times when I thought of something that I wanted to share with you only to be struck by the loss of you all over again. It could be during the dark and endless nights when insomnia was my best friend and you were the cause of it. It could be the in-between moments when I was unoccupied and you sneaked into my mind without my permission. It could be when I was down and depressed and knowing instinctively that I had to do something to pull myself together. It could be the finality of our goodbye this time where your silence spoke volumes of how you no longer wanted to have anything to do with me.
At that moment, I knew that I couldn’t continue living my life on hold waiting for you to come back. I couldn’t live my life in a perpetual state of grief and sadness because I had to take care of myself even more now than ever. I couldn’t let my obsession with wanting a closure to our ending consumed me. I couldn’t let my past obstructed me to live my present days and allowed reality to slip me by.
This is me accepting that I have to go on without you because life goes on.
I didn’t merely lose you that moment when you decided you wanted a way out. I lose you every day when I had to face a brand new day without you by my side. I lose you each time my friends and family members asked me about you and I had to maintain my composure so that I wouldn’t break down. I lose you each time I chanced upon another item of yours that you left behind and I was reminded of your presence or the lack of. I lose you each time I caught glimpses of how well-adjusted and happy you were on your social media displaying that you had moved on.
I lose my best friend and the one whom I thought knew me the most. I lose a part of me that believed in how love would conquer all.
However deep within me, I knew that I had to move on. I had to stop stalking you on your social media. I had to come clean with everyone that we had ended and not harbored hopes of us getting back. I had to make a conscious effort to declutter all your belongings and any items of mine that triggered unhappy memories. I had to choose myself and prioritized my well-being over anything else.
This is me accepting that eventually, I will learn to see that our ending is for the better.
After all the tears and heartbreak, I had to pick myself up. I told myself that if we were really meant to be together, we would be. But now that we had ended, I should carve out a new beginning for myself. I would work hard on my goals and slowly, I would build myself up again. I would get used to my solitude and fall in love with my own company. I would sit in silence and get attuned to my own feeling. I would find the passions that stirred my heart and made me excited me about life again. I would surround myself with people who motivated me and brought me so much joy. I would focus on my healing and trust that I was making good progress.
Even though I was not there yet, I truly believed that one day I would be there. One day, you would cross my mind and it wouldn’t break me. One day, I would see you and I would have felt nothing.