Confessions of the Hidden

The deep desire for marriage has haunted me ever since the beginning of the year 2022, the year I am supposed to get married.

May 2022 was the plan, and I planned it myself because I didn’t and never had a boyfriend.

But God has other plans.

In 2017, I turned down a prospective partner because I was still studying. For the past 5 years, no one has expressed an intention to date me or get to know me. And I have felt so bad.

There are billions of people in the world, and yet no one seems to want to be with me.

Of course, I wondered why. Why can’t anyone see me?

Am I ugly?
Am I not worth the risk?
Am I too much?
Am I too fat?
Am I too moody?
Am I saying too much?
Am I too nerdy?
Am I not praying enough?

Insecurities would sweep into my head. I would lose confidence and sometimes cry. I would envy skinny ladies who dressed well.

My guy friends would tell me that men are visual creatures. Maybe I’m not serving enough visuals. But I can’t help it.

Or maybe God has been hiding me.

2022 has been the most challenging year for my waiting season yet, but God is gracious! Every once in a while, I would go back to my senses and understand that waiting will bear fruit. It’s bearing much fruit, even now.

These days, the wait has become even messier, for even in the mundane moments, I would come to God to talk about my waiting season.

And just as He did to Elijah, He would come to me in a whisper. Sometimes the whisper would be so soft that I would have to stay silent to hear Him.

God would not only tell me to endure. He would remind me that He is with me in the waiting. He would tell me that I have to wait because He is preparing me for my best life ever.

He wouldn’t tell me how my love life would turn out, but He knows His plans for me. And His plans are good.

The sloppy process of hurting (and hating the fact that I have to face it) to make me realize that I am human in all respects, and whether I like it or not, I cannot run away from pain.

God would never force me to not feel. He would change me by renewing my mind so that I could focus on healing and building my life with Him as my foundation.

In the last 5 years, no one came. In the next 5 years, no one may still come. I want to get married, you see. I want to have kids and build an amazingly beautiful life with someone resembling home.

But I am so good enough for Him. We all are. He made us so, so good, that He doesn’t want us to settle for anything less than the best life He has in store for us.

God sees everything. He knows. He cares. I must trust Him, even when it doesn’t feel good.

I don’t know what I’m waiting for. But in this season, I have found that God, too, is waiting for me. At the end of time. When all of life will see His glory.

God is waiting for me. It’s not true that I am not seen.