What can I say?

My heart is wandering. Looking for you in every places I went to. I looked for you in my loneliness, thinking it is you who can maybe pull me out of this pit. I stayed in the pit expecting you to come and help me. I waited so long… yet you didn’t come.

I looked for you when I was in the wilderness. I was lost. Maybe, this time, I can find you worried and troubled for me. Maybe you will finally hear all my plea and help me this time. Yet, I didnt find you again.

I looked for you in my brokenness. In my pain and hurt, maybe, it will be different now. You will finally turn your eyes and heart towards me. You will finally notice my anguish and pain. Yet, again, I haven’t seen you. Where were you in the times I expected you so much to come? To be with me? To console me?

Days passed and it was so fast. It was more than a year since I’ve kept this feelings from you. Days, weeks, months have passed yet… have I forgotten you? Have I learned to finally let you go? Have I stayed? Many girls of my age has gone through many seasons of their lives. They went through loss, brokenness, betrayal, anger and fortunately for some, from loneliness to happiness… 

But how about me? Have I remained stuck? With you? Why didn’t I choose to let you go before? During those times it was still easy to let you go. During those times I felt it was all pointless. 

You take me to different dimensions of this dealing in my heart but still stuck in the same season. Believe me, I want to move forward. I want to move on with my life. How do I do it? Can you remove your own existence in my life so that it will just be oh so easy to finally move forward? 

I don’t even know how to end this… yet if you are finally reading this, my heart for you now, know I never hated you. I always pray for your best. 

I hope by the time I will look back in these letters, I am finally brave enough to let you go or better yet, I have already let you go.