I feel like I’m losing you

All I want is a perfect relationship with someone, no limits and no boundaries, no expectation and no worries. For 5 years I always looking for that someone who I can lived with this expectation. Who I can share the same fate. I wanted the ending that was the similar on my favorite drama. It all happens that it was the perfect love story known to me— for another me, this will be another impossibility.

But I always trying to accept that I need to stop the same thinking, the same imagination of my expectation. It don’t bring me on the same fate, it’s hard to accept that when we fall for someone, we promise for the best love story, that we would do anything for them but end up on giving up everything because we see ourselves not worth enough to deliver that sentiment. When I accept the second failure to express my affection, I’m learning that this was the best way to saved myself for being incompetence, for the same mistake from the previous commitment. I don’t think I will not go right on this and will messed up again.

Instead, I decided to love her one way, without her knowing setting aside what other people would tell. Continue to hold on what I love, continue to hold on what makes me feel good, even the finale would be not always be sure if she will be with me.

Since, I already enjoying your company, I pay too much attention in detail, your change of tone, your action, your sensitive emotion, It feels like I’m already inside your head scanning every impulse of your brain, that not getting any result would not make myself stop to care. For the past weeks, I hold onto my ‘self promise’ to stay beside you no matter what the circumtances, that I will do everything just to make you love me, if not today, hoping it will be tomorrow or some other time. If not, It’s okay. maybe I was not that guy you likes or you wants but It’s not always the end for me —

I created my perfect love story from my point of view without your knowing.

When I feel your sudden change, It automatically tip off my anxiety to react. I’m always assume something suspicious, that I might myself paranoid, creating visual false imagination, horrible scenario which putting my whole vibes into pool of negativity, what I hate of this is I always fool myself that I can’t be the right one, that everything I do will not justify my worth to you.

There is the time when I always think that every time I started to make conversation, I push somebody to reply. I really doubt someone would have reason to talk to me not even have the interest at all, so I need to end it. Now, I can’t find myself in anyone interest, that even cursing everything I see on women, relation and friendship is as a failure and don’t mind trusting them because they all kind of foolishness. This going to be a lot of messed from me.

And though, I realized you will not always be the same girl before, that this story of me will be cut short, that even the climax was not exposed at all. I am required to believed that I am not your knight shining armor, I am only your extra from the separate story of yours, no matter what the story goes, you ended up to your ideal prince.

Though I am not ready for this, to let go someone who are the reason why I created this story, to give up the other half and not continue. I failed now to deep understand your choice, your reason to avoid me. I can’t even wrote a bigger picture. I’m blank to explain how it goes after this. When to end it, when it last peacefully because I’m tired of losening between lines, fulfill every gap you have created since you become not interested. I wish I can have more time to be much better, to wrote more pieces of you but I guess you stop me to do it, to do it one more time.

I can’t demand your participation to my imagination, I can’t demand your presence to my creation. Maybe it was always meant to be this way. The ship is not build to stay in the port, so you are. You need to explore and create your own best story which I believed I failed to make for you.