We are in a time where the things we look forward to is wrapped up in a void of uncertainties, doubt and fear. We are place in a situation wherein our movements are limited within the four walls of our homes. Although we understand that it is for our safety, I could not help thinking that what if it happens before October 2017?
I was a struggling Christian and an introvert. ‘Was’ because, through Christ, I was able to overcome the struggle back then. I’m a certified introvert. Introvert in a way that I don’t talk when I’m around with people. When ask, it’s a struggle to speak up and more struggling when I try to initiate:
“I talk. But rarely. Because I’m shy? Yes. Because I don’t have confidence? Yes. Because I’m afraid I would say something wrong? Yes. Every attempt to speak for a conversation is a struggle on my soul. And only few people understand how depth of my wound is every time I speak. Because it opens. It stings. It’s painful.” -sometime ago in 2017; 12:49am
For years, I always go to and fro from being okay of being alone to crying for being lonely:
“The pain. She have to endure it every time it wants to be entertained.” -sometime ago in 2017; 10:43pm
As introverts, we view ourselves as if we’re inside a box wherever we go. We walk, we’re inside a box. We’re taking a shower, we’re inside a box. We’re sitting on a chair, we’re inside a box. There are times that we accept our fate. But sometimes it brings pain to us.
There was one moment in my life that I asked myself and even asked whom I can think of for it just to make sense, ‘is it a sin to feel lonely when you have Christ in you?’ I asked this sometime ago in 2017, 5:05am.
There was one time as well that I perceived my surrounding as black:
“It was all black. A moving black. An empty black. But a black that caused pain, horror and turmoil inside me. Yet I clothed everything as it was a part of me.”
And one time, I blamed everyone around me.
“She’s lonely and everyone choose to be silent.” -sometime ago in 2017; 2:02pm
To the point of asking this:
“How important is communication? Like really talking to people? How I wish it does not matter at all.“ -sometime ago in 2017; 11:58pm
And a lot more thoughts during 2017. That was just some excerpts of my blog entries last 2017. Full texts reveal my struggle as a Christian and at the same time an introvert.
2017 was the year that I felt the gravity of what I had been feeling for the past years. I was left with nothing to do. I graduated college at that same year so I had free time to think and to think. When you’re an introvert, most of the time you think then you’ll get lost in your thoughts until you realise that you can’t get out anymore.
Yes, 2017 has been so heartbreaking for me.
But this is the twist.
I was too busy trying to find ‘healing’ from things, from others, from myself. I was so desperate for a cure, tirelessly looking for an answer. Only to realise that the answer is within me. Christ. in me.
It was also in 2017 when someone made me realise this. And he quote:
“With our hearts (broken), it can only get fixed if we let the original manufacturer and designer of our hearts fix it…it’s God who can totally fix your heart.” -I’d watched sometime ago in October 2017.
In October 2017, I was redirected back to God.
2017 made me realised that in order overcome my struggle I have to strengthen my relationship with God. I’m a Christian. But I was a babe. I know Christ saves us. I know He is our life. But my knowledge of Christ wasn’t enough. Even until now. That’s why I’m still learning.
In order to strengthen our relationship with the Father, we have to learn His Words. I learned as well that we have to strengthen our understanding on what it’s like to be in a relationship with the Father. I started from there. You can too.
Going down the memory lane made me think of as well those people who are in my shoes right now, who are still struggling, who are still in pain, who still feels lost and hopeless. Especially that this pandemic gives us more time to think and overthink. My prayers to you. I pray that amidst the pain you are feeling right now, you will find God, you will find His love. And don’t ever stop talking to God. In His time, everything will make sense. Just trust Him. Believe in Him.
March 24, 2020; 5:10pm