I’m letting go

“This was the last thing I expected to hear, and I walked off with a heavy heart because I was holding on tight to a lot of things and I’m not about to let go……….”

I was ready on that day to come when I could finally meet him and be with him forever. “I am ready”, I thought —-ready to give the things that he would ask, in able for me to stay with him for the rest of my life. Ready to do the things that I must do just to gain his love. Thus, I prepared for him so that he would be pleased, and finally that day has come. I built up strength and courage to stand in front of him and face him with confidence. I was so excited on that day, because I thought everything will go right, but it was just a thought. A thought that sometimes was too far from reality, the thought that “I can” but reality says, “I can’t”. The thought that “I was ready” but the truth is, I was wrong.

I came to him running, as he was preparing for a journey. I greeted him with great reverence and he stopped from what he was doing then he looked at me and smiled. That smile, was my strength to continue my purpose. At that moment, I wanted to show my passion and my desire for him. I wanted to do something, to prove that I am worthy for him and so I asked him, “What must I do to pursue you?” he simply told me the basic things, because I think the basic were always required. Though I knew that I’m doing it already and I kept it from the start. And so, I was thinking “What else must I do?” but I think he knew it already, the question that was in my mind. For a long moment, there was silence. He simply stared at me and as I waited for his answer, I looked at his eyes and I felt the earnestness of him. Then, he began to say the words, but when I heard them—I felt the heaviness of my heart. I didn’t spoke a single word, crest fallen, I walked off. Then my tears began to fall as I’m walking away from him because those words were the last thing I expected to hear from him.

“In denial”– the state where you are unwillingly to accept the reality or refusing to admit the truth. Sadly, I was on that stage before I came to him. I thought I was prepared to go with him and to follow him, but I didn’t know that I’m fooling myself. I expected those words but I avoided it as if those words never exists. It was my defense to go out of the reality — the reality of making a choice. I kept myself from facing those choices.  No— I was afraid of my choice, of making a choice that can break me.

“There’s one thing that is left” he said as he stared at me for a long time. “Let go and come with me. If you want to give all you’ve got for me then, let those things go.” these were the final words that I heard from him; the words that awakened me to face reality. I knew from the start, before I came to him; I knew that I need to choose. But I just couldn’t accept it, so I convinced myself that it’s ok not to choose and I’ll just come to him without the choice to make. I will just offer him good things, serve him for the rest of my life, and be a righteous person for him. “There’s no need to choose”, I thought that this way of thinking would be easier for me, but the painful truth came and broke this wall. No matter how I convince myself, still, I can’t escape from it. The truth will still prevail, it will keep on hunting you. As the saying goes “truth hurts” and I agree, because it was really painful. It was a tragic ending for me and a sad story for us. I knew that he was hurting too; I could see it on his face. It was painted on his face hoping that I would choose him, but I was holding too tight to a lot of things that I can’t bear to let go. I don’t want to hurt him but I did. I really don’t want to choose but what I did was the answer and so, I was disappointed. “How come?” how come that I did not choose him? I don’t get it! I don’t understand! Why we must have to choose?  Why I must have to let go? Is it not enough to just have the desire to be with him?

I walked away from his presence. That was the last time I saw him. The last time I talked to him. I guess, not every story had a happy ending. Days have passed; months of loneliness and emptiness; Years of regrets. What he said to me on that day made a big impact in my life.

I really don’t understand it at first, but at the end of the story there will always be a lesson that we learn. The experience will gave us realization in life. The decision that we make will bring a results in the future. It could be bad results or a good one, whatever it is, surely it leaves us a mark that will be remembered forever. Choices are necessary part of life, and no matter how we try to escape from it, reality will always catch us at the end.

The truth is, most of us were afraid to make a choice, afraid of its results because even from the start we have already what we will choose. And from the start I already choose a choice, I can’t let go of myself. But to be with him means to let go. The way to him is surrender. But—How can I let go when I put my comfort to those things? How can I let go when I put my happiness on them? How can I let go when the rest of my life I’m living with it? Everyone would tell us to let go but all of them also have things they kept on holding on.

But the more I hold on, the more I feel the pain, the more it breaks me. And so, the more I choose not to let go, the more I allow myself to be stuck; stopping myself to move forward. What I didn’t knew was; these things hinder me from seeing the best. It would makes me miss the greater things in my life. What I didn’t know, I’m allowing it to control me and making me a slave.

To hold on those things is like building my house on the sand and when the storms, floods and strong winds came and beat against my house it will collapse and crash. And now, I feel like that I am crashing, because I built myself on the wrong set of choice, of things. I am full of the things of this world yet I am still not satisfied, there is still an empty space in my heart. And I wish I could go back to that moment, I want to change it. I guess we all have that kind of wish.

I was lost, I can’t find the way back to him. But these words keep on flashing on my mind, “let go”. Day after day, I hear these, as if I’m really hearing the sound of His voice. The more I neglect it, the louder it screams on my head. And unconsciously, little by little I’m learning to let go. Eventually, the chain in my heart had now been broken, I have now lose control, but I am free. Finally I’m letting go. My heart wants to go back again to that place but what if, it is too late to go back to him? Again, I’m facing a new barrier between us, but the barrier has been broken when I’m finally remembered how he looked at me. I remember his word but I forgot the most important one — the message through his eyes. This I forgot; the real answer. Before I choose on that day, he was gazing upon me with his eyes filled with love. He looked at me hard in the eye and loved me. This is his answer, from the very start he loves me. No matter what I choose, he will still love me. His love will remain forever. He gives me the assurance as he looks at me in the eyes and that kind of love secures me now. I know this time, I can hold on to this and it will never fail. There’s no reason now, for me not to come back to him. I’m setting aside my pride because his love will always be greater than this. Now, I decided to go back to that place. While I’m still a long way off, I saw him; he’s waiting for me. So I ran to him and he embraced me. Finally, I’m ready to embrace him back. Finally, I can come with him without the chain.

There are things I’ve realized why we need to choose. For it is impossible to love two things at the same time. It will end up hating the other. One will be devoted and the other will be despised.  One will be given more attention while the other one will be given less. Just like listening to two different songs, you can’t listen to two songs at the same time, because if you do you’ll get confused. You can listen and sing along to the other song while, the other one, though you can hear it for a moment but gradually it will never be heard, it will end up as if it was not played.

Love demands your undivided heart. The moment that you are at the end of yourself that will be time that you are ready to experience real love. When you’ve lost what is most dear to you, only then can you embraced by the one most dear to you. If you are full of yourself you can’t hold on to love because love means dying of yourself. With less of you the more you will be filled with love. And if you think that it will be too late for your happy ending, remember that it always depends on you. It is always your choice on what would be your ending. Would you allow him to write the ending of your story? Would you move or be stuck forever? Be free or become slave? To let go or miss the happy ending? It’s your choice. Love is voluntary.

But as for me, I’m letting go so I can hold on to this treasured love and I think it would be the way to my happy ending.